scared but free

fear goes with freedom without any problem, as if both of them are somehow related, and this realtion ship is beyond by understanding capability. Today I thought to free myself a little bit, from every single thought, just become thought less. It is not possible. It is same as controlling our mind, how can i be free when my mind is under my control, there should be peaceful and free existence of both me and mind. The ultimate solution was to let my mind be random without any control. It was difficult, and depressing, suicidal. The whole morning I felt I will die, as if everything was burning. But it was important, so i thought i should reduce the weight myslef over my mind. So i went to my secodn favourite bar. Rum and sprite reduced the weight but increased all the insecurity feeling . Everything that I never got , I wanted and i will never get, came infront of my eyes. One of the greates discoveries of that time is , the leg pulling habit , that i have mastered in last few years is just a result of unfulfilled male ego. I should write a book on it. After a long battle , which i lost, i went outside the bar, the world was full of chaos. Yes it was the effect of alcohol. There is nothing called correct answer and the path of knowledge. Knowledge is free so it can not have a path. I walked , then decided that i need more alcohol , had it in my favourite bar , the best bar in this world. And now , when I am drunk and dont make any sense , i declare that i am free, and this trial of making myself free is just another attempt of making myself a slave.