Haldia trip and some of its consequences

Haldia, provided you know someone in that totally unplanned and polluted city, is a nice place to change your emotional state. I went there to meet my friend, allegedly my gay partner , anirban. I was with him in my high school. To cut the long and boring story short , it is enough to say that he gave me entertainment once upon a time and I gave him. Now I was accompanied by my newly growing hair, joydeb and bappa. Bappa after his breakup with god knows whom has become more funny than ever. But his only problem now is that he doesn't have patience. Joydeb on the other hand after his brief tour of rehabs and 2 month long rehab process is more calm now, but his expression has changed, and the kind of "baal chhera geche" attitude was so joydebisque once upon a time is not present anymore, though his social skills are tremendous. I haven't seen anyone with better social skills than joydeb. Anirban, after his break up with anumita, or rather forced break up with anumita , is trying to show that he is funny and really fine , and whatever happens he doesn't care, again the same baal chhera geche attitude. This is the first thing that happens after a break up, people tend to believe that they are free and blah blah, but again boss hormon hormon . I went to haldia , with few things in mind, i will talk less, no more circus, good whisky and good food ( that too free), boat trip, no discussion about relationship and any other things which has nothing to do with the people present there, and the most important part to give some peace to my otherwise impatient mind. Except the boat ride and whisky none of them were satisfied. Anirban has really big apartment there, god knows how big it is, and he is alone. I can't stay in that kind of place, it looks like a ghost place. So to make the ghost place more humanly we had to do something, so again my performance, again breaking the silence of my mind. After every such performance for few days i feel that i dont have ground below my feet, may be faking is the reason behind this. During the whoel bus trip to haldia, my mind was fresh , a volatile freshness. Wahetver I saw became a poem, most of which I dont remember, then there were lots of other ideas that came in mind. Like a story of two conflict between two groups of human beings, one group never looses their umbrella, other group always forget their umbrella. Another story was some sort of animal story where a dog falls in love with a human girl, but the girl rejects him since he doesn't look like the usual human beings and hence ugly. lots of stories, pretty surreal. But after that trip everything is messed up. Even I cant laugh at my pain anymore. I think I should start believing in god. atleast if something bad happens , i can give the blame on god.

Desire

Desire, the name of the most complex emotion of human pathetic beings. I will rather say that this desire is the most complex emotion of mine. What is it, how is it, these are not the question i am concerned with, the main point is my desire is decreasing. I dont feel like winning something, I dont feel like getting my hands on something which i dont deserve ( though i dont deserve anything). Even the desire of being sad is leaving me. So i decided that i will waste myself a little bit, and with the remainig desire left i will give a try to finish my application. Yes i dont want to go anywhere , also i dont want to stay in my home, i dont want to die either. fuck yes , this is the state i wanted to be, and fuck no , i cant live like this.

scared but free

fear goes with freedom without any problem, as if both of them are somehow related, and this realtion ship is beyond by understanding capability. Today I thought to free myself a little bit, from every single thought, just become thought less. It is not possible. It is same as controlling our mind, how can i be free when my mind is under my control, there should be peaceful and free existence of both me and mind. The ultimate solution was to let my mind be random without any control. It was difficult, and depressing, suicidal. The whole morning I felt I will die, as if everything was burning. But it was important, so i thought i should reduce the weight myslef over my mind. So i went to my secodn favourite bar. Rum and sprite reduced the weight but increased all the insecurity feeling . Everything that I never got , I wanted and i will never get, came infront of my eyes. One of the greates discoveries of that time is , the leg pulling habit , that i have mastered in last few years is just a result of unfulfilled male ego. I should write a book on it. After a long battle , which i lost, i went outside the bar, the world was full of chaos. Yes it was the effect of alcohol. There is nothing called correct answer and the path of knowledge. Knowledge is free so it can not have a path. I walked , then decided that i need more alcohol , had it in my favourite bar , the best bar in this world. And now , when I am drunk and dont make any sense , i declare that i am free, and this trial of making myself free is just another attempt of making myself a slave.

Freedom flies

Freedom flies, like the most irritating insect , everyone wants to kill it , so it is rare, but still it flies. I have seen these flies all my life, it is not irritating for me, and once it bites there are lots of bad effects too. As I become dumb day by day these fly comes back again, but this time to discuss freedom with me. In these years everything has changed , a deep sarcasm more or less dominates my social behaviour, so I become more irritating and stubborn for most of the people. My apathy for all the real things made me unrealistic and most of the time others find difficult to understand my point of view and and the reason of my perpetual happiness. Well I am not free, that is the moral of todays conversation with the fly. Freedom is unattainable unless the real and the inner world becomes same. But it is not possible for me, I feel my outer real world shrinking very rapidly and the inner world becoming totally disconnected with the reality.
Anyway I thought about few free people I know very closely and thought about the person who can really claim to be the most free person. Poets, freedom fighters, intellectuals, monks, ganja seller, pimps, drug addict , jokers and myself , I considered every thing that made my past and made my present so inescapably disconnected with the reality. And after a long consideration it was Lokkhi pishi . She works in our home. In our overly heated economy this kind of people suffers the most . But not she. She is the most clever human being I have ever seen. And most importantly the person who can accept change more than anyone I know. Illetaracy never stopped her to buy small land with proper planning with the small wages she got from the every day washing cleaning job of her. This job , I consider more disgraceful for the emplooyer than the employee. We Indians are strict believers of slavery. Whenever we get some money we want to get pleasure by not doing some trivial daily work and appointing someone for minimal charges. The feeling of having a slave (chakor or naukar) is one of the ultimate fantasy of Indians, and I observed that women love slaves more than men. I dont know the reason yet. Anyway Lokkhi pishi (Laxmi) has done justice to her name. She is the person always looking for something new to add to her life, for her family for her child. Her son goes to English medium school, she buys small land as future investment, she wants to buy old computer for her child .

Ugly , Pagli aur Googly

Getting used to the tourist life of India again, specially kolkata. It is really strange to be treated as tourist by everyone in everypart of this world. Go to chennai there I am in tourist, in europe I am tourist . Well this holiday is a long one, 23 years and still going. When everything becomes predictable and most importantly boring then every wants a googly.
So I went to see my favourite actress Mallika. I dont know why I find her so stunning. Yes she is one of the most beautiful woman i have ever seen on or off screen, she is attractive but there is something about her which is really beautiful , which I can feel but cant express. She was as usual graceful sexy and beautiful in ugly aur pgali, apart from a particular emotional scene her acting was almost what was required. On the other hand Ranbeer Shore was in full form , again apart from few typical bollywood emotional moment. No one with me enjoyed the movie , probably the apathy for mallika. But I enjoyed this movie and apart from being carelessly written at certain parts , mallika gives me back the googly I needed in my mundane life. Love is not a formality, it is the only irrational thing which is desirable and productive.