this week, so far : "maths, ganja, puke, romance, tears "

I cried late night, whole night, for almost no reasons. Almost because it is not true that there was zero reasons. In fact I felt sad and angry for everything. I cursed God, as usual. This is a really good trick, specially when you are sad, dead tired because of the hangover from last night, and feel like doing nothing other than watching porn, then curse god. I saw Tare Zameen per again. I can associate my experiences with most of the first part of Tare Zameen per. Through my brother and to some extent through my exeperience, I recollected all those scenes from my childhood. Whenever I see TZP I feel that AK had the capability to make it as good as one of my favourite movie Herbert. But he is greedy, greedy to put his face in his movie. So what can I do , gaand marao lajjahin.
Ganja is great. Specially when you are single, multiple heart broken, married to your right hand (resp. left hand), living in a dirty room in a dirty continent, doing mathematics, want some well deserved detachment from others world. I got it tuesday night. It was hard, after seven and half months I had the thing which can be easily called the poison of my life. I remembered last summer. Everyweek, almost twice or thrice I used to smoke joint and then just sat on the rooftop, tried to steal some breeze. "Anyway smoke ganja once in a while" can be a really good lesson for this week. But , attention. Don't drink too much before smoking some hard joint. You will obviously throw up as Srushti has done in his consecutive two birthdays. I puked a lot in CMI. But the problem with me is that I dont remember the pain of throwing up.
My grandmother said once that every guy in my family is childishly romantic. I don't know what that means, or whether she was cursing my grandfather for not being practical in his whole life, but what I feel that, even without being in relationship with any girl in my life, I always feel that I am in love. It is good thing, since it helps me to sleep properly, with multiple shows of dreams. Bad thing is that I am the only person who knows that I am in love. I have met thousands of girls, and few women in my life. Some of them liked me as a time pass, most of them liked me because liking is a formality in our time, some of them cursed me , some of them made me their brother ( i hate them, chutiya bananeke liye aur koi nehi mila kya), some of them slept with someone else and moaned loudly when they were copulating just to make sure the sound reaches me, some of them forgot my name ( I have a really nice name), but thats it , loving is the activity which they did with others. Today morning when I got up , it was morning, and I was still alive. This is the kind of thing that I am loving now. Zero expectation life. Where just being alive is the only criteria.
Now comes maths. Lately I was working on my masters thesis. As usual reading Voevodsky's paper is like masturbating with your legs. I do like his results , but his proofs are shit, they stink if they exist. So I was trying to prove some of the results by myself. And bingo, I proved one result completely, which classifies the Nisnevich sheaves using Nisnevich cartesian squares. The lovely part is that it uses a corollary, whose proof I didn't understand. So I was trying to prove it by myself, and came up with a stronger result, and believe me or not, the result came directly from commutative algebra. I felt young again, I can still do commutative algebra. Probably I should concentrate on solving small problems. Big problems dont like me. But then who cares, I have one life, no expectations, death and life are homotopically equivalent, so lets try everything, from Riemann Hypothesis to some small commutative algebra problem.