just wanted to thank few people

It is almost 1:30 now, tried to read Deligns P^1 moins trois point. Can not penetrate after a certain limit. The language reminded me my time in Paris. French , french oh dear french. Anyway in this case the language does not matter, either I am overworked or did not work that hard to understand the paper. It makes me depressed when I can not understand something after sufficient amount of trials. Sufficient is defined loaclly, ha ha ha. Well, good news is that I am studying. When I came to Padova I was almost certain of some disaster. I used to think that either I would contract to some two dimensional space or I will leave mathematics and the emptyness created by that will force me to leave all the other things, or may be I will take up Jayants favourite profession wood cutting, or just increase my sleeping time to 24 hours per day. But none of that happened. I met exactly two people, one helped me to avoid the certain self destruction looming infront of me that time, another one helped me to start loving myself and the small things around me. One never misses a single chance to give me gali and gyan. Another one never misses a single chance to make me smile and energetic. I can easily calculate the number of hours I spend with maths in Paris and the first few months in Padova. Yes I survived the exam system, but that is not a big deal. I know how to play with the system without knowing anything. I should have joined management , hu ha ha . I have surely studied more than that in only this week. I like to talk about myself these days. How sexy I am, or how intelligent I can be, given sufficient motivation. I still remember the day when I left CMI. Yes, that was another difficult time, but I was motivated. Studied the whole summer before coming to Paris. Algebraic topology, representation theory, Weil correspondence, Srijats poems, Herbert. And then Paris took everything out of me. I never thought that can happen with me. I took a strong decision that time, of not running away or not killing myself. But sometime just the effort of survival in a hostile condition takes up all your energy, only things left were bottles of wine, your almost two dimensional bloodless body, and computer full of porn (hu hu ha ha ha). Last summer I went to many places in India, but still did not find any motivation. My home looked like a place where I never belonged, all my relatives looked so different, my grown up friends had different lingo, different set of jokes with which I can not identify anymore, they had different set of friends whom i did not know . As if I am a guest artist in a big comedy, who does not even have the chance to do a cameo. As if everyone was following the denial of my independent right of existence. Somehow I managed to spend the summer there, alive. That darkness was one kind of its own. Just imagine you are walking through a long dark tunnel forever, the more you walk the darker it becomes, you completely forget what a bright sunshine is. That was me, leaving from Kolkata with my bagpack on my back, with a virul fever and gland infection. First few months were not worse, but somehow the great inertia of slipping towards darkness never allowed me to come back. But then this two people helped me. This two buggers will be very sad later to help me survive properly. As the world will blame them for their sin. Till then
just thanks to them, dil se.