As the end nears I feel uncomfortable again. Detachment is the last thing that I will learn in my life. My master thesis is online now, if everything goes well it will be in arxiv, meanwhile its there in my google groups myboredom. What I am saying and why i am saying is not clear to me these days. The failure of not being able to make my favourite wishes true, or may be the fear of the future where there will be only few horrible dreams left, makes all my words false, all my statements weightless. Fear, fear, for two years in high school everyday i had to listen to this word , as vivekananda strongly says everywhere, get rid off fear. But like human beings fear has its power too, what if fear doesn't get rid off me. I am neither strong nor weak, just like a medium, fear , sorrow, love everything come and go as their wish, only an unusual happiness and eternal silence is left everywhere. An ugly observers appreciation of beauty is just an information lost in the global archive of love and languishment of beautiful people, it never had life, it will never see reality. Then he finds dream to give it a pseudo existence. And that is why this fear of losing even the dreams. It is now time to stop, everything is either screwed up or going smoothly as they are supposes to go, just someone is stuck and that is his fault.
Got this translation of poem fo srijat today morning ,
staying abreast in life , I carry my parents on my shoulders,
passing wedding parties, traffic signals, service commissions,
wakes.
I falter , bleed, but never loose my senses.
There on my left , mama singing her light classicals. And on my right
papa is watching tv- an action thriller.
And yes ! it is me who stands on the shoulders
of such overwhelmed parents.
I, who do not care for a good job, or poetic fame, never bother about love or its tragedy,
only wait for a picture of this earth's final day.
Good bye dreams.
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