this weeks lessons

Missing it, hardly

2009-10-20T05:48:00.000-07:00

A statement without a motive is rare, but a statement with a clear motive is rarest in our normal world. Today, like every other day, i started my day, excessively late, trying to do a dream fixing thing in the early morning. A lazy person dreams a lot, all those things which requires effort is easily achievable in dreams, so "me", the only protagonist of the only story i am part of, dreams about all the things and everything. But wait, manythings are missing. Are these dreams same as those i used to fix before. Is there anyone missing ? No, I didn't ask this question in the morning, I came back, tried to fix the trivialities of mathematics, had lunch, read useless blogs and suddenly there was a phone call. A call from the person for whom my way of looking to this world is so upside down, who made me belief that being heavenly happy is just a hypersurrealistic sad moment at the same time, who gave me the urge to be excessively violent for my rights and for all the others. And, what a shame, I just spent so many days without remembering him. It is sure that I am forgetting my sense of duties, it is sure I am forgetting my resolutions, it is sure that I have changed into a horrible human being. No more I venture into the unsure part, no more my jaws become hard after each example of bullying. Am I going faster to the middle ages ? As the voice from the otherside asked me where are you ? and said I am missing you ? I couldn't reply .
And the lines was disconnected, will I get another chance to become the same human being again ? Will he find me near him, giving him the confidence, independence and the happiness he deserves . I kept him as my soul purifier , as the search light, is he still there, or I left him behind ? What should be the punishment for this ?

An imaginary truth........

2009-06-08T07:30:00.000-07:00

andharer shima shesh shekhane jekhane alor shuru (the boundary of darkness ends where light begins)
godhulir patla ekta rekha beye
shohoj manushra kore shotabdi paar, ( along the thin line of twilight simple humanbeings cross centuries)
tader desh nai, bhasha nai, dhormo nai. ( they dont have country, language, religion)
jara ghor banay shagore
tader kobe theke dheu-er bhoy ? (those who builds there home in the sea, why will they fear waves ?)
jader dukkho shajay mathar mukut
dukkho ke tader dey ? (sorrow is their throne, who will give them more ?)
shamajik chetona, bhinno rupi bera,
na tader atkate perechilo na tader dekhabe bhoy. (ideals of society, different types of fences never managed to stop them nor will it scare them)
shyamoli, raghavan, iqbal, faiz, alex, tao
koto naame tara nijer mukhe diyeche agun, (shyamoli, raghavan, iqbal, faiz, alex , tao, in different names they have given fire to their face)
mrityukeo koreche ritwik ghataker image, (they have made death an image from ritwik ghatak)
tader osthimojja theke pawa petrol jaliye
amra nirlojjer moto torko kori, ( we burn the petrol from their bonemarrow and shamelessly argue)
torker khatire gori krittim shotyo, (for arguement we create artificial truth)
bhanga dhole shudhu ebong shudhu matro
murkhoder jatiyo shongit bajano jay. ( broken dhol can only be used to play the national anthom of stupids)
shobshomoy mone rakhbe kebol murkhoder-e potaka hoy, (always remember that only stupids have flags)
shadharon manusher na potakar dorkar howeche konodin na dorkar porbe. (a common man never needed a flag nor will he need)
desh jati bhasha dhormo borno
bivinnotar proti birup monobhaber probonota
eshob
hotey-e pare agami dine ekti kalponik shotyo. (country race language religion color
the tendency of adversity for pluralism may become an imaginary truth in our future)

Terrorist number one

2009-03-18T05:46:00.000-07:00

Indians in general have the wierdest capability of turning the most gruesome situation of their life into a funny one. It seems that we dont have lack of entertainment in any given situation. Be it the worse situation of poverty covered villages and city ghettos, or vaguely supported sex trade without any official legal support, corruption, discrimination againts women, discrimination on the basis of religion and caste. You name one problem in this world, you find Indians under the threat of it, and like every chart we top in it. The bhnopu of election is being played, and it is now at our doorsteps. What should be the best deal for the Indian in this general election. First of all, it is clear that one party democracy is not for India, it shouldn't be, otherwise the local demands will not be satisfied. An no matters which coalition holds the office our problems will not get any easy solution as such.
Problems are many, there grave violation of human rights in every aspect of life, but what makes those problem stay with us for last more than 60 years. Isn't it the way we are totally ignorant about our electoral powers that makes our democracy the most flawed one yet the netas the most powerful democratically elected people of this world ?
Right to vote is a basic right , but always remember that not voting , though a basic right, is not the best thing to do if you are really concerned about your situation. What should a Indian think when he/she goes to exercise their electoral rights. Whether this procedure of general election is just selecting a few representatives or it is showing collectively your basic demand, is a big question. I still feel , we become very religious when we vote, we vote for the person , we vote for the party, we vote for certain political or social philosophy. We, in general selfish, Indians , become so selfless , when the turn of voting comes. Why we dont vote according to our daily needs?

Roti kapda aur makan, these three were once socialist indias primary concern. But what happened to this few decades long practise. Forget about kapda and makan, do we have anough rotis for us. can this government ensure that my next generation, every child will be well fed, no one will look like me , malnutritioned with a fading smile on my facing giving a pose with a phirang mother teresa. This country is mine, yes we die in hunger but we never chose to be terrorists, we never chose to leave our country, we never become destructive. All of them needs energy, we are chronically hungry, we even cant stand on our feet properly, we dont even know what a full meal is like. Still we work, somewhere in some tea shop, some, biri factory, red light areas, traffic signals, on trains on railway tracks, our organs are sold too disgusting arabs and westerners, even the light form our ahuti cant overshadow the glittering light of the upperclass shinig india. they eat in italian restaurant, they celebrate valentines day, they oppose valnetines day, they break masjid and mandir, they create massacre, they protest against mumbai carnage, they watch slumdog, those few eyes, which doesnt grant our existence in real life, looks at us with pity. Our crooked body, our fading smile increases the sale of the newspaper in western countries. hunger is a great thing my friend, it is the tourits attraction for sub saharan africa and india. We increase our number day by day, we see dhoni hitting sixes, sania going to top, we cant even run for a minute. we celebrate every great things of our country without getting any share of it, and all the evil things has its first effect on us. atleast Shiva was lucky, he had the oppurtunity to drink the poison of t his world. We dont get to drink , but we get the poisonous effect all the time. Our mothers are dead or ready to die, our fathers didnt know how to write, our borthers and sisters doesnt know whether tomorrow they will live or not. Isnt it an exciting western movie story. My brothers, my sisters, yes we dont hope anymore, we dont dream anymore, for that we need energy, we need food, who will give us that thing. Political parties like our castes religion and our votes, television channles like our ugly body, hospitals likes our organs, rich people likes our virginity, western people likes our poverty and hunger, our tea shop owner likes our numbers, as the number increases the competion for work increases and the wages decreases. We the hungry people will never believed that there is any other terrorist than the terror of lack of food. As the nation never gave us anything and the upperclass thinks we are the shame of the country, we the hungry indians wants a separate country for us. give us food or give us "bhukhastan".

The school of Indian cinema

2009-02-26T08:08:00.000-08:00

Harder it gets when you try to study local properties easier it becomes when you make general statements. I have problem with accepting a certain rule and follow it totally. If I have to follow rules then why not many rules and if I dont want to follow rules then why dont I follow no rules. The act of geralising is a in herent property of human mind. Following the arguements of J Krishnamurty it can be shown that theory making and generalising is an act of human mind , the biological system always deal with the present and local situation. We dont sometime acknowledge this fact in our working sphere and also we dont fall in love with our biology , what we tend to do is to find a beautiful mind. Generalising is always the most natural thing and the easiest step, since you are just using the knowledge of past and trying to make safe mechanism. It is this study of local things which is difficult as it deals with new things, it is in one way follwos the laws of nature and another way follows the rule of biological satisfaction and it never declares anyone as a winner. In Indian philosophy there were many attempts of generalising, looking closely to them you can find out that they always produced failed results. The caste system, the Vedas, the moral conducts. It can be shown the act of generalising is nothing but creating anew branch of superstitions. But then, unlike other civilisations Indian civilisation had this property of billion different ideas at a time civilisation. People complain that it makes everything very slow in India, but i ask them how long normally a biological decision takes ? Those more than billion cells of our body at any given time has different aspiration and our biological decisions are always a democratic decision taken after considering all those aspirations. Dont we function properly.
The main idea of this blog is rather non philosophical in nature and it talks about the different cinematic expressions of past or contemporary Indian cinema. Like anything about India, Indian cinematic expressions are like an ocean. This way it starts making itself distant from all the other types existing cinema of this world. The outside India world, which for me looks very small and ridiculously malinformed, never tried to grasp this reality as it is beyond their capacity of acceptance of truth. It can be proved that all the forms of discrmination hatred negative propaganda faced by the Indians from outside India elements has a deep root in their failure of understanding this ocean like pluralism. So some of them try to point out the non pluralist approach of Indian system to forget other apsects of the system and osme of them points it out as just total chaos , which is a part and parcel of uncivilized third world society. I am very skeptical about the word called civilization, and never fail to point out the fact that the sense of the word and the use of the word is not same at any point of time. The ntion of singularism is very prominent in western world, specially england france and germany. A small remark : Idol worship also comes from this lack of pluralism ( the civilized idol worship : like the british or french way of worshipping their so called great men, or communists worshipping Marx, bengalis (post colonial hangover) worshipping tagore . ). Anyway I read a comment of Mr Danny Boyle about Indian film making and british film making. He said the way they make films in England is completely different from Indian way, as their style is complete realism. Now whoever has seen slumdog will agree that the realism used in that movie is nota grim one, otherwise it wouldnt have got so many oscars. It is this magic realism that struck chord with the oscar jury. But , hey Boyle have you seen Jaane bhi do Yaaro, have you seen bari theke paliye, have you seen anything outside the western movie world ? I dont have much time now to write a complete list of genres of Indian cinematic expressions, nor do I wish to do so. I just want to keep my eyes open and use my biology to study the local properties , the way for thousand years my ancestors used their senses to deconstruct their world.

2009-02-02T02:03:00.000-08:00

tomar ghore bash kore kara o mon jano na (who are dwelling in your house, oh mind , you dont know,)
tomar ghore boshot kore koyjona mon jano na (how many are living in your house, oh mind, you dont know.)
ekjone chhobi anke ekmone o mon (one draws picture with one mind)
arekjone boshe boshe rong makhe (another gets colored)
r shaichhobikhan noshto kore konjona (and who is the one destroying this picture ?)
tomar ghore boshot kore koyjona mon jano na. ( how many are living in your house, oh mind, you dont know )

ekjone shur tole ektare arekjone mondirete taal tole ( one picks up a tune in one strings (iktara) and another one picks up the rhythm in the temple)
abar beshuro shur dhore dekho konjona (and who starts this non musical notes ?)
tomar ghore boshot kore koyjona o mon jano na
(how many are living in your house, oh mind , you dont know )

rosh khaiya hoiya matal oi dekho haat foshke jay ghorar lagam (see there , losing grip of the horse's bit , after getting drunk with these juices)
shai lagam khana dhore dekho konjona. (who holds that bit ?)
tomar ghore boshot kore koyjona o mon jano na. (how many are living in your house , oh mind, you dont know )

2009-01-28T02:52:00.000-08:00

keu bhalobasha pay keu bhalobeshe jay (few gets love , few keeps loving)
amra boshi majhkhanete . (we sit in the middle)

glass-er bhitor jol, chhap poreche , oi dekha jay, karor chokher (water inside the glass, a reflection of someones eyes)
takay ni keu, aj keu niyeche chul bhijiye, shukher, (no one looked at them, but today someone has made her hair wet with pleasure)
amra shudhu obak howe dekhi, ( we are just amazed and watching)
chokher tara, obak howe jol (the star of the eye and the amazed water)
faltu jara ashte ashte bashpo ( unimportant ones becomes vapour slowly)
howe majhkhanete bhrom jagano bayu. ( and creates a mist)
tobu jol fuleche jowar ashay, chul nai r chokh dheke (still the water swells as the high tide comes, even the hair is not anymore covering the eye)
amra dekhi chokh juriye kokhono ba shai glasser joler mon theke. (we just watch , eye fulfilled, maybe sometimes from the mind of that water of the glass)

obak kora lota, mukh unchiye, shurjo shudhu, bhabcho dekhe ? (amazing lota (vine), do you think it looks at the sun facing upwards ? )
tader moner koto dabi, (they have so many demands)
shudhu sporsho shukhey-e haar mane na, shikorbakor joriye diye (they are not defeated by the pleasure of touch, they hug each other by their roots and limbs)
joriye diye shakha, mukh unchiye shurjo shudhu bhabche dekhe ?(and do you think they only look for sun ?)
amra tader moto kore, chol pashpashi thaka shikhi, (lets live side by side like them )
amra tader moto kore chol jorajori kore thaki. (lets live hugging each other like them )

auction

2009-01-26T03:11:00.000-08:00

I am living here in my bagpack
and loving things that are stored in racks.
If I offer you that for nothing
my bella.

There are words and music and a russian hat
and dostoyevsky and a funny cat.
And all these things are for you free
my bella.

And flying shoes,
I have left the best dreams
for you to choose.
i have left the best dreams
scattered in this jungle town my bella.

When you feel alone and fallen back
there is (also) a hand to put on your back.
If I ask you to hold this hand
will you bella ?

There is a watch to show infinite time,
for spicy meal you can find a dime, (too),
And that is not all, I have stories to tell you
my bella.

These smallest things,
I have left the best dreams
with these smallest things,
and so are the best dreams,
I have scattered in this jungle town my bella.

Priyo Ornob-er jonyo. The Best lyrics I have ever come across

2009-01-23T01:19:00.000-08:00

I dont know how to thank Ornob. A really great song that perfectly gave the words to what i wanted to tell myself. Even the music was something which I am fond of, it is my music, it is my lyrics, just made by someone who is the brightest light of our generation.

Sing your soul out, dear
Cheer up this breeze, without fear
Walk on the dew on the bed of grass
cheer up the breeze, without fear

While love makes its own kingdom
in a cup of tea, somewhere else
I'll guard the moon till then
in the stargrinded light

Plenty of flowers touched by all these colours,
That remind me of your eyes and all my mistakes.

So, keep singing, keep singing... keep on singing dear

Few trivial facts

2009-01-18T05:51:00.000-08:00

The things which I read or figured out and may be not that useful should be given proper consideration, since they might be useful for others...

1. This is what I read
'beauty is nothing
but teh start of terror we can hardly bear,
and we adore it because of the serene scorn
it could kill us with ...'

2. Punctuation and repetition of words and phrases was introduced in written form of language only to show the proper emotions more closely. Words are not important but how you say it is important.

3. In german when you describe anything past the verb comes at the last of the sentence. This is a really good strategy, it makes a person good listener and allows others to finish their sentence.

4. Tagore surprised me. Read Gora, apart from the last two pages of the novel, everything is for anyoen belonging to any philosophy. It is so abstract and so practical together. Probably true world was only depicted by Tagore in modern times (even Dostoyevsky would have agreed I guess).

5. The joourney of human being is from past to present , so a good way of learning should be going from present to past.

6. Every human being should be individualistically selfish. This will make this world the ideal one.

7.

8. I found a math book where in the table of conetnst they have listed 10 chapters. for chapter sic they wrote it doesnt exist. I dont know what does that mean...
9. This is the thing I came across while browsing, someone said something about poverty "
The history of poverty is filled with some really big events. Famines in Ethiopia. Floods in Bangladesh. Del Boy and Rodney from Only Fools and Horses. It's very difficult to measure precisely which of these is the most epic example of suffering. But one thing's for sure - we will come up with something that beats them all. Poverty History will be made!"

Happy birthday to the only god I know

2009-01-06T05:03:00.000-08:00

Be proud to be a human being, specially those of our generation, since we grew up with the god, the buddha of music, the true genius I have ever heard off. To start with let me remember the time when he first came in picture. That will be the best way to look at the ocean from a naive point of view. But when you are looking at Rahman , all of us are naive. I always give music and art as higher position than science or anyother thing. Music is the most ancient form of human expression and human understanding. With rationality irrationality , with dualism non dualism you can always associate music with it. And music is the only thing that is there in every thing in this world, not god nor science or some metaphysical entity. And if you search for the human being who has understood this infinite storage of music to some extent, your search ends at Rahman.

Rahman is a deconstructionist. He came to world music when it was going through a bad phase. Euroepan music lost its charm, american music was reducing to either loud headbanging or naked girl dancing, arabic music didnt have any innovator , african and carribean music was losing its path on only rap and indian music as usual corrupted by the north indian musical motifs. I will specially give strong importance to the Indian film music version. I can go to the extent to claim that when ARR came, the only music composer worthy of a mention was Ilaya Raja. And the other music composers in Bombay was as usual dumb to explore any other musical motifs other than the banal motif of indian dholakiya , and western (italian or russian ) style orchestra violin. There was a Bappi Lahiri, who is a disgrace on music, There was a anu malik, who had one leg on his father era and one hand in popular western music ( to copy), jatin lalit ( they did some good stuff, but nothing new).The non film music idustry in india sucked . The T-Series boom gave room to some worthless singers like kumar sanu and anuradha padowal, but at the end of the day, forget about the music quality, even the recording quality decreased considerably. Some of the elders i talked even said that the bhojpuri songs of those days sounded better than the hindi songs. Given Rahmans quest for new things he would have come and broken the old trend completely and would have given a completely new definition of music. Actually he has done that , if you consider the quality of Indian music now and before Roja. But still Roja was not a destruction of the old tradition, it was the realisation of old tradition but also creating everything new around. He gave Indian music many new dimensions , infinitely many at one stroke called Roja. I can recall the effect of Roja in Kolkata (that time Calcutta). I have few human beings to check out when music comes in question. My grandmother, my father , my brother and my cousin. My mother doesnt count since she always like something new. But my father , being grown up at in the genration of RDB and Salil Choudhury, was very skeptical about new musical forms during that time. But Rahman changed everything. I remember the strong debate I used to have with my father ( the only debate I had ever with him) , about who is better, Rahman or Burman. But his approval of Rahman being a contender of the versatility of RDB made me really happy since he ruled out the other composer Salil Choudhury. But anyway he was the one to buy me all the Rahman albums from his monthly saving. My grandmother was bowled over by Rahman, just like me, who , after all this years always feel the child like thrill when the african motif starts in dil hai chhota sa before the second antara with the base guitar bakcground.

To talk about Rahman is not a thing which I can do in my life. All these years, the only thing that didnt change in India is Rahmans quest for change and experimentation. The Rahman of Roja is still young, younger than any Indian , younger than any human being. Be his latest works with leit Motif in RDB, Boys, Jane tu ya Jane na, Slum Dog Millionaire, or his jazzy work of Sathiya , or Hindustani Motif Bose the forgotten hero or synthetic music Yuva. In this world there is only one religion and that is music and Rahman is our God. Happy Birthday ARR.

jibondorshon

2008-12-29T09:58:00.000-08:00

ek mane shunno theke kichuta holeo beshi,
abar ekla mane shunnota.
ek r shunno diye to proyojoniyo shob kothai
ajkal loke likhe fele.
ek r shunno ekshathe shunne mishe jachche
etai ekta nissho jibondorshon.
tui na thakle baal, tui thakle uttal,
etao ekta jibondorshon.

Dhorashayi

2008-12-24T04:51:00.000-08:00

balishe entho mukh,
chand-er eki osukh ?
megher rumal
ache mukh dheke.
tor bola niktimoto peyanj
kuchi , kuchoi
amar tor dutoi
plate rekhe.
tor abar mishti hashar shokh,
alto heshe korish chokh chhotto
ami shotti dhorashayi
na pai chena kono image
na pai obak kora pongti
tor chokher kaloy nijer
shadhin desh dekhe aaj shotti
ami mairi dhorashayi
bhebe ajek achi pore
jokhon adla amay eshe
tui tulbi apon kore.
ami emon dhorashayi.

moddhobitto (middle income class)

2008-12-18T01:47:00.000-08:00

Borofe porle gole
gaye porle jole
agun.
opomaneo hashi,
shukh porobashi, ebar
ragun.
gadhar pithe chore
chourastar more
bhashon
bhashan diye
bhule bandhobir biye
bhabun.
ai nari bari french cut dari
dami almari
ai telephone ,
packet kora baloon baloon shaptahik guptodhon,
premik mon,
bogus.
ragun ragun ragun.

Jodu babur Baganbari(the mansion of Jodu babu)

2008-12-17T07:21:00.000-08:00

Jodu babu,
Jo-take cho korle besh moja peto aager projonmo....
ekhon oishob moja theke bonchito ...
tader lakh lakh callcenter-er kane shuhdu durbritto onushondhankari markin ingrijir shobdokosh theshe bhore diyechilo ke ba kara kono ek projonme.
Jodubabur bagan
jekhane fol ful nidenpokkhe agacha udpadonkari naam na jana ektio gacha pawa day,
ekhon shudhu morubhumir chilchitkar,
Onnotha jodu Babur Baganbari
kintu jomjomat,
ontoto ai sthir shomoye... jokhon shobkichu hoy otit kimba bhobisshot.
brotomaner chhaya ektu holeo ekta abcha chhap rekhe jay ekhane.
prokritopokkhe baritake ekta tritiyobishsho bola chole,
ekhane bhivajon ache, kintu ta mene nebar ba dur korar ongikar nai,
ekhane nari ache, tao bohu dhorshita ebong shomoyanug chinta onujayi oslil rokom shundori ba kutshit,
take bhalobashar keu nai,
ekhane purush ache , nijeder shoto bivajoner niti jabor katar moto ekhono cholche,
take bosh korar keu nai,
ekhane bidroho ache, biplob ache, kintu ta bojhar lok nai,
ekhane notun mane bhobishshot- purono mane bhogoban,
bortomaner chhaya, oi bollam na ekta olpo sholpo boyoshi meye meghe hnete gele jemon hoy,
sherokom chhap rekhe chole geche.
Jodu babur bagan bairta ekti nitantoi tritiyo bissho.

Light of the snow, the sun, my home

2008-12-11T02:49:00.000-08:00

I never thought that snow can show me a totally different kind of beauty, something white can have this amount real beauty hidden in it is a completely different realisation now. Normally white for me is disgusting, be it fair and lovely , or westerners or a dull morning with total white snow. I am from India and ?I like to sweat, I like to face the strongest of the sun and I like to become darker in that sunlight. That gives a dimension to my existence. Normally white is always related to negative feelings in my heart. For me white was always lifeless, ugly , as if someone is mourning for some freat misfortune . White is the colro for sraddha for me, a pseudo mourning, or the colro fo the dhongi bramhacharis of narnadra pur ramkrishna mission. Anyway whenver i look at the color white i can only see corruption scandlas propaganda. But then that is my realisation, which is a function of my experiences and my prejudices, and yes let me accept that even white can be beautiful, even white can be honest. Yesterday i found out, that snow has its own light, which has strong luminousity. Even in night, without any light, snow can create and aura around the place, which was amazing for me. But apart from that, i want sun, hot sun, burning my skin, making me sweat. I want to smell my sweat.

Extent of reduction (komte komte etota)

2008-12-10T10:50:00.000-08:00

emonta noy je chokh chaini,
tobe ekhon ondho howata bhalo mone kori,
emonta noy je shobdo chaini
kintu ekhon niret nistobhdhotai dher,
emonta noy je kichu apato shorol bakko
konodin sposto kore bolte chaini
kintu ekhon byakorone bnacha dai,
emonta noy je soundorjo chaini
kintu bhul bhebe shomoy jai,
emonta noy je jol, mati agun, niropekkhota
kichui chaini
ekhon shudhu ami r ami,
emonta noy je bhalobasha chaini
otato shobai chay ,
kojon pay ?
ba pabar moto ki korechi ?

Few mathematical thoughts

2008-12-10T04:07:00.000-08:00

Sometime I sleep much if I dont't have anything to do, sometime I sleep much if the world waiting for me after getting up is too hostile, sometime i sleep much if I am depressed or hungry, and if none of these are happening then I sleep much just to have great dreams, that too forced one. Being totally disconnected from the reality is
greatest way of procastrination I have ever discovered. Anyway, the rule of the thumb is do your work, eat properly and be happy in your sexual life, that is what is described as the secret of good life in every culture and society (and also nicely translated into bengali by my friend "khato khao chodo"). But then this gives a near to stability in life, which can be dangerous ,if a person like me totally denying the effect of reality, practices this. So I dont do my work whne it is required, as my favourite past time for last 7-8 years is sleeping and it will be. I will be continuously breaking different records of sleeping in future . I need practise since I have to do this thing after my death for eternity. I eat whenevr i am not hungry enough to eat, it is nice soemtime to deny the humna basic instinct as they are called by our western propaganda. Sleeping comes with great many advantages, you can avoid the time of conflict as long as you want, you can srictly avoid the existence majority of the human being in this world, and also by staying awake for lesser time you can avoid all the prejudices you can get by prcatise and work. Work is like making love , if the later is wellunderstood by me at any point of time. But the urge to work should be natural, and it should only evoke the mind and brain of our body, nothing else. Later I found out a thing to work on, but then it was not for me, or i was not for it. Then again i found another thing, and this time I can see the end, everything, surrounded by the greatest fog of this century , there she stands. It was a well admired Project by Mori to start classifying surfaces, and then people thought about classifying higher dimension things. But no chance for them. Here we have a machinery of homotopy theory, this will give me the little bit of light needed. It is clear that the simplest object , i.e the rationally connected varieties will be the first step, my first step.
Reality of dreams is the proof of the existence of god. But I dont care.......

Someone has to pay for all these blood. The question is who ?

2008-11-27T03:19:00.000-08:00

It is th start of an angry day. Again , India is the target. The common man of India. Do you have any right to live ? Do you have any right to talk about yourself ? Do you have any right to be happy ? Pakistan is a flase state, it never knew what they want to become. Neither their common men have any idea of what to do, and they are facing complete destruction as if now. What they should have done to save their fat arse is to co-operate with India and have a peaceful economically boundaryless sub continet like the continental europe. But dumb people are hard to be taught, even nature can't teach them any lesson. They will continue to spread unrest in these whole sub-continet. Dont forget about the tiny little country called bangladesh, which is really unimportant otherwise, but then the generous leaders of the CPM (Chor party marxist) doesnt think that the illegal immigrants from bangaldesh borders shoudl be controlled. Life is so cheap , so cheap.

Few things about Binoy

2008-11-18T06:28:00.000-08:00

Last night I met a person called Binoy. No it was not a conincidence I guess. Since , for a long time I was expecting someone to come and change the way I think, the way I bluff, the way I love. He came, and yes its he, and changed everything last night. Once in a while people like Binoy comes and changes my position as an observer. He told me to write good thinsg in a bad way, as if there are too mnay good things in this world and we take them as garnetd , so we dont give importance to any of it. He will be with me for some time, as he has told, and leave me exactly whne our conversation will become boring. After the first conversation with Binoy, I came to know one of his favourite bad poems. He hismslef said that whenever someone asks him for introduction he recites this verse. For the sake of lcarity he prefers bengali than any other language, at least he said so. So here it goes the introduction of Binoy :

amar naam binoy,
kolkatay brihsti hole thik jekhane shobchay beshi jol joma hoy
shekhane amar bari,
amar bolle thik hobe na, boroncho ekebare bhul bodh hoy,
ami to image-er karbari,
tai amar bole khub beshi ekta kichu nai,
olpo ai sholpo shai
diye protidiner nikti mepe jibonjapon
emon
kono shorto rakhe ni keu.
naamtao nijer noy,
jemon noy
baba maa-er ekdiner probol sharirik bhalobashay pawa ai shorir.
amake bhalobashle prochur chhobi debo,
alto kore buliye nebo
haat tomar gopon onge.
amake bhalobashle tomaro kono kichu nijer thakbe na.
parbe na
emon bhabe bhalobashte.
naki bhoy hoy ?
amar naam binoy.

My name is Binoy.
The place which gets filled with most fo the water whenever it rains in kolkata,
there is my home.
if i say its mine then it wont be true, maybe it is completely false.
i am a trader of images.
So there are not many things which are mine,
noone forced me to live
by making everyday routine of some of this and some of that.
even my name is not mine.
like the way this body,
which i got because of my parents once upon a time made tremendous physical love,
is not mine.
if you love me i will give you lost of pictures,
i will lightly varess your private parts.
if you love me there will be nothing caleed yours .
you cant love me .
or may be you are scared ?
my name is binoy.

Few things that I know about the first few days in a foreign country and that I want to know

2008-11-13T02:00:00.000-08:00

Foreign , sound like an alien place to be. And when you have just moved from your own hometown to someplace which is not your hometown , few things changes, as people say. This changes combined with the perception of mind creates a different biological and psychological sphere around us. Good or bad, it takes little or a long time to get used to this sphere. What are the changes we first notice ? Even the changes we first notice depends on our previous experience and current status of mind, which is also an amalgamation of previous biological and psychological experience. But I have to start somewhere. So suppose , I am going outside my home for the first time, alone, such that the previous definition of "we" that I have had has no representative there, nor there are most of the things similar to the thing called "my place", and I am experienced enough to have the prejudices called beauty, tasty , talented, superior blah blah... More precisely, suppose I have enough prejudices (known as common sense or knowledge or feelings or intellect ) to give every thing a order in my mind and my behaviour is dependent on that ordering.
People look different . And in our time skin color , by the help of western propaganda, is a very strong thing to define beauty. So we notice the skin color first. I strongly remember those days , when i used to notice whether a person is fat or slim first. Then we try to give the people of the foreign land a place in our ordering according to our definition of beauty. Sense of beauty is a strong prejudice and it can really affect anyones behaviour. An accepted physically beautiful person holds a good social and economic position irrespective of his/her other qualities. So the first sense we can feel comes from our eyes. And that somehow defines our behaviour towards the foreigners. This sense of beauty is not only dependent on physical beauty , it has strong coupling with economics, academic aspects of the individual or a population. The mistake that all of us make is to try to conclude about some property of the population using the perception of invidual knowledge. Also the other way around can be really dangerous. In first few days, normally we make our perceptions about the population very clear and strong and then we start making assertions about the individuals. And those assertions not only dominates our behaviour towards everyone , it also makes a path for more psychological perversion and corruption.
The best way to live anywhere in this world is to be free from your mind while observing something, as logically either every place is a foreign place for us or every place is our home (same way either everything is beautiful or nothing is). A bad perception is worse than no perception. Mind has to be free so do we have to b e free from our mind. Whne there is an observation, there are no observer, nothing observed, just an observation.

IIT's , prejudices and propagandas funded by common mans money

2008-11-06T23:36:00.000-08:00

First cut :
Place : Kharagpur, Hijli detention camp, 1956.
India dreaming to become big and strong.
Jawaharlal Nehru addressed the first outgoing batch :
"Here in the place of that Hijli Detention Camp stands the fine monument of India, representing India's urges, India's future in the making. This picture seems to me symbolical of the changes that are coming to India."

Second cut :
Place : all the iit's, iim's, aiims, isi, jadavpur university and shibpur university, april 2006
Arjun Singh takes another step towards positive discrimination or what is known as affirmative action. The first step being the reservation of those who faced negative discrimination through out ages. This is supposed to be the part of the basic point of democracy, social justice. After implenting this thing, proper reservation for women would have been the next thing. There were protests all around the institute of national interests. Those who always got the chance, for being rich, upper caste and socially powerful tried to reason out that this rule of giving power to poor lower caste subaltern will divide the country more , and caste system should be thought as thing of past which has no effect whatsoever in current India. They made a popular forum called youth for equality, which arranged hunger strike, follwoed by a mass arerst of students. No student died , and moreover there were no cases of injuries either. Hunger strike was a realy one so that no one stays hungry for a long time.
My cousin : " they dont have brains, it is clear form how they perform in all these places. do i have to give my place to an adivasi now."
Tanmay : " tora janish na maal gulo koto gambat, ens-a boshe shobkichui mone hoy onyorokom. " ( you guys dont know how stupid they are, everything looks different when you are sitting here in ens )"
my aunty : " age to gramer jonyo communist party uthe pore legechilo, tai grame grame maddhomiker first boy , ekhon rickshaw wala, dhangor eder jonyo-o lege porlo." ( because of communist party all the villages were doing well in the boards, now even these lower caste people will do well".
another cousin : " good genes ......"
my friend : " i deserve my place, and i cant leave my place for some obc ."
barkha dutt (the dumb intellectual) : "what's the point of all these reservations if there aren't enough qualified people to make use of them?"
Books of ambedkar being burned by the best students of the best medical institute of india AIIMS.
http://shivamvij.com/2006/10/04/books-are-not-for-burning/
Government didn't back up. And it was shame the way they didn't tackle this problem strongly. when a tribal protest by joining Maoist movement, he is termed as terrorist and executed, and when a rich kid of delhi or bloody metro city protests it becomes breaking news, chetan bhagat ( even dan brown writes better than him) asks everyone to attract the television as much as possible. Still no voice from the subaltern.

Facts :
"Sujee Teppal, an adivasi student who topped the Andhra Pradesh common entrance test (EAMCET) for engineering in her category, was keen on a BTech from IIT. At IIT-M, she was asked to take the Preparatory Course route. At the end of it, she was failed in one subject, Physics. (Her Class-XII Maths-Physics-Chemistry average was 94 per cent; she had a centum in Class XI Physics.) After the issue was taken up by the Periyar Dravidar Kazhagam, and the subsequent coverage in the local press - which got interested, typically, after Sujee attempted suicide - and following a directive from the National Commission for Scheduled Castes and Scheduled Tribes (dated 8 July 2000), the IIT management tried to cover its tracks, conducted another test for Sujee and other dalits-adivasis who were failed along with her, and cleared some of them for BTech. A much-harassed Sujee has now been assured of direct admission into MTech (without having to clear GATE) by the management. First, you are humiliated; then your silence is bought. Several dalit employees have been similarly gagged. Says an employee denied promotions and increments for his outspoken views, 'The management plays one dalit against another, sometimes showering petty favours on one group, manipulating resistance.' "- this is a news taken from the newspaper , the originality of which is not the responsibility of the author. The author was in Chennai during this incidence, and vividly remembers all those news reports. One of the authors friend was in IITM that time, he was in the preparatory course and he was visibly depressed all the time since he had to face the taunts of the general category students and profs. He had a nickname, mandal commission.
Even if the above news is fabricated to any extent, doesn't mean that nothing comparable to that happens in IIT's. The author is really sorry to find out that it has hurt the victim of this incident, and want to assure her that it is anger not the urge for popularuty made the author write this article. The author understands the sentiment related to it and wants to ask the reader to verify the news after reading.

2. IIT, AIIMS , JU, Shibpur, never produced anyone of highest intellect and wisdom. They might have produced CEO's, but in other part of the world CEO's are the best profession for the college drop outs. In terms or research , IIT's like all the other institutes of national importance fails badly. Then why we support them financially. do we think about India whne we do that ? Is Indians are meant to debug programs or becomnig yes sir type corporate after learning in all these iits and iims ? why dont we ask this simple questions to all these engineers and doctors , what is their contribution to this country or to this world , other than mediocricity and cheap labour offered to the west ? If there is no west to take care of their mediocricity what will happen to them ?

3.

Genderwise, the IITs fare even worse. Sandipan Dep, deputy editor with Outlook: 'What was my IIT education all about? It was about IITians: 400 academically exceptional boys (and 12 girls) on a campus...' The girls come in parenthesis. It's all about boys. Despite all those headlines and reports we have seen for years about girls doing better than boys in Class X, Class XII and other state and central board school exams, it is (mostly caste hindu) boys who have enough 'merit' to enter the IITs. And the few girls who make it must prove themselves male enough. 'From one coast to another, women engineering students have shared their relief on being accepted by the men in engineering as one of the guys' (Sally Hacker 1989, 49).

Some letters responding to the Outlook feature raised the issue of nonrepresentation of women. 'I was horrified to see not a woman mentioned in your entire story. Forget the alumni, even the on-campus photos didn't feature any women. Is your outlook so biased?' Another asked, 'Are all IITians men?' (Outlook 12 June, 2000). According to the news report cited earlier with reference to IIT-Mumbai, '(T)he situation for women students remains dismal, with less than 200 among the almost 3,000 students in the bachelor's and master's programmes. For Dalit girls, things are even more bleak. The first Dalit girls, numbering all of three, were admitted in 1997. Since then, their number has increased by one every year' (Indian Express, Mumbai, 12 June 2000).

One of the few dalit girls doing BTech in Mumbai is says, 'If you are in a coveted department like Computer Science and Engineering, the guys wonder aloud how a woman could get through and if they know you are a cata student, there is an audible 'ohh' which seems to answer their question.' ('Cata student' is caste-hindu IIT lingo for those who make it using affirmative action. In IITs, as in other campuses in our country, dalits tend to be allotted only dalit room-mates; dalits also do not figure in IITs' famed alumni associations.)

4 .

In Australia, the settler whites are at least saying 'sorry' to the 'stolen generation'. And an aborigine wins a gold medal in Olympics. In the US, there is a public discourse against racism, though discrimination continues. But 'hindu' India, despite putting in place theoretical guarantees in the constitution, continues to treat its aboriginals most shabbily, and no questions are asked. In the name of 'merit'; in the name of democracy.

Last Cut :

Place : IIT Powai, Chicago , 2008, November

Barkha Dutt cheeirng Obamas victory, moreover she said it is the most important thing happened in the history of our time.

Two indian youth attempts suicide in IIT powai.

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/Cities/2_Dalits_in_suicide_bid_at_Powai_IIT/articleshow/3682878.cms

Adarsh phashan jahan naaron mein

aur chor bharey darbaron mein

Vahan maut akhlaq ki hai ik khabar baasi

jinhe naaz hai hind par vo kahan hain

jinhe naaz hai vo kahan hain.

blogging just for the sake of it

2008-10-31T07:55:00.000-07:00

Jibananda Das once said : " whoever writes poem is not a poet , few of them are ". Then indian government said padhna likhna sikho. Everyday in many indian homes many children gets the hard lesson from their parents : What is the point of studying, readin writing. I, the priviledged here not only know how to write , but have many options of making my voice heard, and too some extent I have managed grow my own voice. Pen is mightier than sword, but whenver sword is taken by someone , someone has to die, there has to be blood. So when you have a sword in your hand you are supposed take sides and fix whom to kill, whose blood you want to take. Isn't it true for pen too. When you have pen, you have to take sides, since there will be speculation.

I had holiday, a strange one. It was like a long feverish state . Fever is the best time for me, since that is the time when i loose control over reality. There are lots of situations when actually i had dreams but couldn't make out whether they are real or not. I guess it is the rush of hot blood flowing always towards brain that gives these strong dreams, and as Dostoevsky clearly proved to me last summer that these dreams of fever are the true colros of what we want we need and our shortcomings.

How many original ideas i have came across in my life, how many original ideas were ever conceived by human beings. Personally , I think there are very few ideas which are not at all trivial. And in the list of my supreme inventor I have
Gautam Buddha
Mahatma Gandhi
J krishnamurti
Riemann
Manmohan Singh
How often these invenetors turned out to be really invidualistic is a natural consequence of the necessity of invention. But one news this week made me think twice about the necessity of individualism . There is a school in Bankura district in westbengal , mostly for the tribal students , which made me wonder whether good connectivity of all sorts of knowledge is more important than a fresh but experienced mind. They wanted to increase the particiaption of students in the school., they wanted to make the student aware of hygene, they wanted to reduce the number of school drop outs . What they did is they started a parliament in the school, with council of ministers , elected by the students, elected from the students. There are bell ministers whose duty is too check whether all the school bells are ringing according to the time, there is a prayer song minister, then dress minister, food minister who checks the mid day meal thing. All the ministers are chosen by the students and also there is pint system based on their overall performance in the school. The highest point goes to honesty. I wont be surprised in next 30 -40 years if we see the end of gandhi dynasty and we find our first tribal prime minister from one of these great Indians.

open letter

2008-10-23T10:10:00.000-07:00

I was going through many words few minutes back, just a good past time. Words which are so powerful for me tonight that i get it first whenever i start thinking about words. The phrase which came in my mind is open letter. Open letters are supposed be very open, like the way sky is open . The thing about open or closed is really interesting. Open belonged to those kind of concepts even whose opposite can not be concretely defined. Both are related to each other. Anyway i have written few not so opne letters and one opne letter in my life, and they are so open that it wont come in opne air in their life .
Or may be that album of anjun dutta "priyo bondhu " , where there were so many open letters, between two completely disconnected people living far away from each other. Though i find the album very unsmart now but that was the first gift I bought for someone, and it will remain as the biggest mistake of my life.
I never saw any open letter in my life, but somehow i used to think that open letters are something like articles written in personal diary , but now as i know quite a lot about different things know open letters are sort of last thing we want to say about some topic and then completely stop. It is like the last thing you want to say in our break up day meeting , those harsh may be extra emotional words knowing that probably we will never face each other. i heard about the break up stories from my friends and i think i know more about break up dates than any one in this world. My friends are really good story tellers.

And when every bird finds their home back,
no river returns,
some of them dies on the way , never meeting anyone.
they are no more river
just carrying tears of millenium.

Chandrayan

2008-10-20T05:20:00.000-07:00

At last, the long lasting dream of mine will be true. India, after wednesday successful moon venture, will join the greatest feat of modern science. I was thrilled, like any other toddler, about space, as it is the easiest thing to imagine even though you are poor, something like playing football. When you are alone and small you look up and try to make yourself feel more alone and humble and that gives statbility and good night sleep. I used think about space crafts and read all the information related to space technology in our bengali dailies. It was my dream to become the first man to reach sun and then thanking the people in sun for giving such a nice dreamy sunshine during the winter afternoons. But soon it was realised by these dreamy eyes that sun is not reacheble by human beings and mars is infected by the american machinery. So I started dreaming about being in Moon. I made lots of drawing of my space craft that will take me to moon, I heard there no mosquitos in moon, which made it the best place for me. After all these long years atlast ,we, the most potent and yet the most disgusting race called Indians will start our journey to set our foot in moon. Apart from the economic and scientific benefits of this mission, it will have a great impact on the mind of average newspaper readin indians. It will be a real confidence booster for billions. Though our subaltern frineds , the chinese, have already launched their mission, but a democratic country like india it wont be any less important, as we will be the second democratic country to make our presence felt on moon. Scientifically India always had a strong position in this world, specially post colonial science. There were no thoughts ever thought my human beings which never rattled any indian mind . Every thing had place here, so was science in its most original form, that is yukti or logic. Infact post world war India had the largest number of trained scientist after america and russia, though our education system was the poorest. And like everything scinece also found a new and totally indian expression altogether. The state of the art technology used in ISRO is probably nothing comapred to NASA but still it is totally Indian , cheap and works as efficiently as anything created by NASA. India is the place of experiment and the greatest expreiments about human beings and its tendencies. I always believed that variation is the soul of creativity and india offers it in abundance. But then what keeps us backwards, it is simply the lack of confidence. Lack of confidence syndrom is everywhere in this wrold, that is why germans call themselves germans so that they can fight together or bully together, same is true for any man of proud nation or religion or sect or race. But Indian, being exploited by the burgoise of different race for a long time, lacks it totally. I still remain close to my observation that individualism is only practised properly in India and African nations , but then those who practise is always outnumbered by those who are not sure about themselves . Those people always take India backwards. During these Chadrayan phase, there was another news of scrapping the gay sex law. This law was started by the asshole phirangis in india and they did not forget to attach religious sentiments with it, forgetting the fact that even in ancient india gay sex was not forbidden, not even in the time of war when reproduction was more importantly associated with sexuality than pleasure-stability and love. The post colonial India being so pseudo secular and pseudo modern that it never tried to scrap this law , and even supported the western propaganda that gay sex causes aids more than anything. Statictics is the biggest lie in this world, but indian governments never ever tried to even take the help of statistics. But now how can you stop a nation full of strong people with only one thing called freedom in mind. Vikram Seth wrote an open letter to many leading dailies about this law and the effect of it. And now high court has told Indian Government to show scientific facts or scrap this law. Mister health minister , being a very responsible person is always in favour with scrapping this law, and all the human beings hope that this law will be scrapped very soon. Lets pray for those guys and girls who loved someone from the same sex and either ended their life or always struggled againts this faulty system. Lets hope that very soon we will see gay and lesbian lovers like all their freudian counterparts roaming around the city, holding hands kissing each other. Even freudian love doesn't know any discrmination and it is high time that we not only accept this truth but realise it. There is only one sort of crime, and that is theft and all the other crimes are variations of it. We can not steal the right of anyones sexual selection, and even if our dumb god gets angry with it we have to play according to the rule we have set. Discrmination has to be ended, any sort of discrmination.

Salil choudhury

2008-10-11T22:27:00.000-07:00

The latest addition to the collection of official songs has a genuine touch of salil choudhury. As a composer I dont have any basic training , nor do I have any idea of musical notes. The only way I understand music by listenig to different kind of music, so all my music has lots of inspiration and sounds like sometime really some known song. Salil Choudhury , S.D Burman , A.R Rahman, Chandrabindoo, Belafonte and recently Indian Ocean and Raghu Dixit are few of my favourite composers. But mostly my music is influenced by salil choudhury and chandrabindoo. Even the lyrics is an amalgamation of modern bengali poetry and contemporary lyrical inventions . This song was composed in Paris. I was as usual jobless and one of my friend during chatting session told me to write a song bullying one of my other friend. i made a song but then after humming the song for sometime i got another tune, and I loved that tune, so I wrote oh my love where are you today . It is totally beatles style of music with constant presence of salil choudhury

amar bhalobasha kothay tumi aaj
jokhon ami jege roi
shaat shokale aaj
paat kora shob sritite porlo bhanj

r pachhe tomar amar prem bnache
jholse jay kono kobita
paar kore shomoy thomoy joto ache
gupto aajke shobi ta
table konay thongay thongay shobdo aaj hochche jobdo
cable theke tv chhoray dirghoshash
table konay thongay thongay shobdo aaj hochche jobdo
shower khule khamkheyalir srabon mash.

oh my love where are you today
when i stay awake in this early morning
and all the memories gets plit ?

For the fear that our love survives and all the poems gets burned
i have crossed all the time and kept it secretly.
in the corner of the table, on the paper packets, words getting jumbled in jumble words .
television sighs through the cable,
in the corner of the table, on the paper packets, words getting jumbled in jumble words .
rainy season starts below the shower whenver I want.

oh my love where are you today ?

Durga the subaltern power

2008-10-11T05:22:00.000-07:00

Durga Puja never had any special effect in my life, apart from lots of painful incidents I dont remember anything important happening in my life during this puja. But Durga is very special, not only in my life but in the life of every subaltern living in my part of world. Once upon a time I did lots of pandal hopping. That time durga used to be like hema malini , fair, bulky and more motherly love and affection on the face than feminity. She used to be a total housewife , who has lost the charm of attracting anyone and that is why she is happy with her family and husband does her job without any protest . It used be the kind of male dominated propaganda spread at that time in our subaltern society. But I sharply remember , five or four years back, I saw a durga which was totally different from any of the durgas of our time . I found her extremely attractive, and told my friend that it was the sexiest sculpture I have ever seen. And this time I saw one in Suruchi Sangha. For guys like me, confused and totally dominated by the west , she is the perfect dream partner. She was petite but curvy, wearing a working women black saree in the most sensual way, she was dark and sindur was there on her forehead, her face had multiple layer of expressions, as if she can tell us the stories of all dark and bright temptations of human beings. When I saw her I was not spellbound, as I have seen lots of its kind in my life and somehow I secretly appreciated their beauty.

Durga, indeed, is the strongest sub altern power. First of all worshipping a total feminist power is really non western and non aryan . Secondly , there aren't any better potrayal of the largest subaltern of this world other than durga , powerful, with family, and also few pets .

Let me list out few of the women who ?I found closer too durga. I will not take this oppurtunity to name anyone whom I know personally, as again beauty should be appreciated silently. First of all the woman whose physical features matches with my conception of durga are

sobha de
naomi campbell
madhuri dixit
deepika padukone
bipasha basu
to some extent sania mirza ( she and mallika is more like saraswati than durga for me)

And as far as power is concerned, i think gayatri chakravorty spivak is the best example for me.

2008-10-09T10:30:00.001-07:00

Every thing has an end, this simple truth sometime hurt us when we have to bid afrewell to our loved adimired things and persons. Ganguly wont't be playing anymore after this test series, and like any other Indian male with self respect feeling of justice, it hurts to see the way he has to leave. For me he is the ultimate fighter. I dont remember the time whne I first heard his name, it might be after class 5 or something . Some one said he is the best thing in offisde, someone said he is the most arrogant indian cricketer ever, someone said he is the smartest indian cricketer ever. I didnt have any opinion about him at the starting. But as he became god in our part of the world I started hating him. Tendulkar was my all time favourite batsman , but at that time ganguly was giving sachin stiff competition as the best ODI batsman. Sachin was hosrt so am I, so I have somesort of weak point for sachin and that made me very critical about ganguly. Another thing , which was very strongly present was the fact that everyone was praising ganguly at that time, and i strictly cant do things which everyone does , and in a democratic system it is better to form lots of minoritygroups, then and only then proper justice can take place. Anyway whatever be the reason I was very critical about him, but one thing was totally obvious that he was the man of supreme confidence and self respect but above all he is the greatest fighter india ever had in any field. I strongly felt the difference he made to indian mentality after i went to India. Indian males were thought to be really submissive type, who will never fight and can not protect his own belongings, lacks physical smartness and all in all a defeated class. This was the colonialist propaganda to alter the sexual selection of Indian females, so that they will give preference to white westerners ( like the husband shopping concept of latin american females), but unlike latin america this propaganda failed and so showing the weak non combative picture of Indian males became very prominent in western world. Normally in this kind situation other nations racted differently, like China . They started developing their sporting facilities, sport gives a moral booster to a whole nation, and specially its counter propaganda quality. India had hockey once upon a time but it died since the westerners wanted to end the indian dominance and they re invented hockey and it rules and our indian friends never believed in competing. So for a long time india had only one sports, the insect . Though India won world cup , but if i try to imagine the faces and the attitude of the cricketers of that time , I can only match them with the kind of attitude my father has. It is like give me what my share is and i dont want anything, you decide what will be my share , and even if you abuse me after giving my share i will forgive you ro i will show you by my work how good i am. It continued till the era of early sachin and late azhar timer. But then ganguly became the captain, and india team changed. For ganguly he is not satisfied with his share, he wants everything, for him winning is not the last thing , it is destroying the opponent, specially the strongest opponents. No one ever believed that steve waugh can wait for toss because the opponent skipper was in the dressing room, he is the first cricketer to start using local language slang against the whites, he also made sure that the word phirangi is used as a slang. It was high time to show the whites their original picture, and he did that. Whenevr I am down and out I always remember his innings in adelaide , or the great test match against australia in eden gardens. The pale and pigmentally challeneged face of all aussies and the jubilient Indian blue caps. For ganguly there is only one thing I can say Joy guru Enjoy guru, for very few contemporary bongs like you still i remember my bong connection.

dumbstruck

2008-10-02T09:32:00.000-07:00

It is so crowded , but what a contrast, i dont have any new thing to think about. It is scary to go outside, may be there will be bomb somewhere, or atleast some bus will run over some worthless life like me, there is a fear of just disappearing in the crowd, also there is a fear of getting recognised by everyone . Once upon time one person was a preacher of a balanced life, where everything will be there in a balanced way. there wont be any attachment to anything , freedom should be there for everyone , even freedom of hurting should be there. but i guess i am getting older really quickly, or maybe my age becomes older rapidly but i dont.

I saw one performance today. it was just a mime, but what a great performance ! simple script but great excution. Rudranil and kanchan are the best actors i have ever seen live. While kanchan is more like a natural comedian, rudranil is partly satirists . Rudranil reminds me of too many kafka charecters. Once upon a time, when I first read kafka, that too a really bad bengali translation, i thought how does a writer knows so much about all the small things about my life . Today i am convinced that being me is not a unique act, there many actors in the same role.

The program is cancelled. I dont want to go outside and i am sick of all those people who treats me like a whore. Tomorrow i will write a song, probably the best song of my life. Kafka made me this , or may be he was in the same role.

ai raat

2008-09-30T01:13:00.000-07:00

this was written and composed when i was in first year of my undergraduation. The interlude part has clear inspiration from pehla nesha and the lyrics is combination of early 90's bengali lyrics and the contemporary bengali lyrics. i really want to thank anumita , as she was the inspiration behind this song. wherever she is , whatever grudge i had, wahtever i have done , but i cant ignore the fact that this song was composed for her. I have changed a lot of lyrics of the original one, as it is old and dead. Laal has done a great vocal job in this song, and thanks to mafia for giving me the urge to remake the song again. I didnt get the chance to dedicate this song to anyone , perhaps this song marked the end of a relationship. but today i dedicate this song to all my friends and mafia for making this song alive again.

ai raat jodi na shesh hoy kono dine hothat kore
hnatbo shudhu tor shathe ai him raat ontore,
jani ashbe na kono shopno ojana pothik hote
r jyosnar ki proyojon megheder danay shute.

obhilashi bikel jane dupur rod keno eka ,
diary-er priyo patay shara shondhe joma rakha,
jani ashbe na kono ghum hariyechi dher aage
r ghumer ki proyojon shur katano bishad raager

ai raat jodi ba shesh hoy kono dine hothat kore,
nirmed alo andhare rakha thakbe otit ghore
jani ashbe na kono shopno ojana pothik hote
r jyosnar ki proyojon megheder danay shute

moner dupur deyale hothat chipchipe duti chaya
chena chena baki alor dol shudhu ochena e andhar maya
jani ashbe na kono ghum .....

if this night doesn't end in a day suddenly
and i will be walking with you and this cold night inside me
i know that no dream will come to be an unknown stroller
and what is the need of moonlight to sleep on the wings of the clouds.
this night ............

ambitious evening knows why the afternoon sunlight is alone,
and the whole twilight is saved in the favourite page of the diary,
i know that i wont get any sleep as i have lost them long ego,
and why will sleep destroy the music of melancholy.

if this night does end in a day suddenly,
even then it will be saved in an old room with fatless light and shadow,
i know that no dream will come to be an unknown stroller
and what is the need of moonlight to sleep on the wings of the clouds.

suddenly there are two slim shadows on the wall of the afternoon mind,
all the lights are known but what are these games of darkness,
know that i wont get any sleep as i have lost them long ego,
and why will sleep destroy the music of melancholy.

o mon

2008-09-20T10:04:00.000-07:00

hothat shonali shondhe hole
thik kar jeno golpo bole , mon,
dekhte chay, hishab khatay,
je din ghumolo, tar nesha
ghum eshe jak ghumer gaane
ghumer ghore din takao

r hothat mone bhir kore ashto jara
aaj keno onuposthit tara ?
o mon ki chao , aaj bole dao,
tomar ami na onyo keu ?
tomar shathe ai doirothe
amay keno aaj harao.

suddenly when the golden evening drops
mind tells stories of someone,
mind want to see in the draft of life,
the dizzyness of the lost day.
and sleep should come with the lullaby ,
and day you should look up with your sleepiness.

and suddenly those people who used come in my mind
why they are absent today ?
oh mind , tell me , what do you want ?
am i yours or someone else ?
in this dueal match you are playing with yourself,
why i loose ?

pujo shonkha private limited

2008-09-14T10:54:00.000-07:00

oh my god. it started again. agony of not having something, jealousy for others havong something, the nameless emotion due to no work, reckless thoughts due to loneliness, everything just vanished. Just teh moment when i was thinking that its better to drink every night before going to bed just to get good sleep i found my timepass. today it started again. my music . me joydeb and laal with great support from nyata , we have the newest lifebuoy. one trying to get rid off post addiction effect, another one just trying to spend some time after a week long of screwing in software company, and yours truely, trying to not think about those things which i cant control, these three overly optimistic but still dreadfully fallen humanbeings started pujo shonkha private limited. this is our band, this is my way of saying fuck off to all things which are unwanted. we started with a song, without lyrics. i was playing d major and g minor, without any intention of playing something fruitful, just warming up, then laal asked me what the hell it is. i said i dont know , and that moment, we found the new tune. as usual whoever heard it said that it sounds like some other song. god damne it, isn't it good enough that it sounded like a song. i officially dedicate this song to the greatest entertainer of life. even if i kill myself oneday, i will be really proud that i enjoyed few days in my life. no more grudge.

My first take on caste system aryan invasion and phirangis

2008-09-13T00:14:00.000-07:00

Only weak aligns himself with society caste culture country. It is so very true and it took so many god damne years to show me the real truth. I have been through all sorts of extremism. Once upon a time I was strict brahmin , once upon a time a strong male superiority theory propagator, once upon a time fairness seeker, once upon a time a strong nationalist and then a strong pseudo secularist which ended in strong communism. Yes I have shit all around me , gods devils and human beings constantly tried to take me in their camp. I went , I shouted, I spat hatred, but atlast got a kick. Kick is what I know , kick is what i will get everytime. But still I cant change myself, hatred is there inside, and it is infact not true that love is the basic emotion and hatred is practised. I cant get rid off hatred , jealousy , even my love is somehow attached to hatred for some other things . I need another kick, a strong one. But then I am just moving around in the sphere of hatred, no new states, no new way of finding peace. All those millions sitting inside me trying to make new camps, new party, new agenda, i dont even know who wins, i am just a spectator.

It is sad and disgusting to find that even the best of the intellectuals of indian origin never ever said anything against caste system in india, even gandhi has this idea that caste system is somehow necessary for india. Last few years I have gone through all these intellectuals and their works, be it astonishingly clever Gayatri Spivak, or wisest Amartya Sen, there are no positive and anti caste system remarks from any one of them. In fact few indian intellectuals and offcourse phirangis went on to support this system. One of the Indian origin intellectual is Mr Naipaul. Well he has a strong reputation of being racist from the first day. Like most of the North Indians he can not tolerate the dark skin color , and that is one of the reason he forgets and sometime humiliates his west indian history. He is proud to consider himself as a bhumihar and finds the Indian Caste system so god damne friendly and essential for indian society, fro him india is hindu rashtra, and all the bullshit related aryan invasion theory is true.
Well I never accepted Aryan invasion theory , since whatever evidence is there are anthropological evidence, and sorry anthropology is for intellectually challenged people, it was hitlers favourite science and most of the europe still believes that it is a science. Anyway now i can see how aryan invasion theory is so god damne true. People say lot of thing about aryan superiority theory and sites the example of post world war germany. Well post world war germany is not created by germans, infact german were treated as slaves in that time, all the money and infrastructure came from usa or ussr, and as usual the frenchies sucked the blood out of germans. Infact if any country has done anything in post wrodl war situation without the help of phirangis is china. Japan is still a slave of USA. And there are no aryan connection of chinese history. Secondly if aryan people also came to india and they are the people who left their children in northern part of subcontinent, then it is really clear that they are the most genetically inferior race of this world. Look at the failed state of pakistan, failed state of kashmir , up, bihar . Look at the violence in delhi, gujrat, haryana. These are all aryan infected area. Yes aryan blood means violence, it means discrimination, starting from caste system, to degradation of women in india and degradation of other countrie sin india to the gas chamber in germany every god damne violence has aryan connection. The superiority theory and this violent nature goes hand in hand. As they knew that they are actually genetically inferior , that is the reason they started staying together, making community and also their propagandas have their roots in this inferiority complex. They degraded women , since they were not able to match their women, they degraded the indigenous people, because they saw that they can not make something like indus valley civilisation . African and indigenous people are brave. They can stay alone, without any propaganda , without any self flattering false history ( the kind of history these phirangis and north indians boast off). Be alone, be strong, to fight the strongest enemy you dont need to make groups and camps. fighting is, by definition, a lonely process. Face the challenges alone, know the world alone, live alone , die alone, no need of country culture or anyother systems .and hatred is important. Loving Naipaul or phirangis or brahmins is strioctly not justifiable.

week of entertainment and hope

2008-09-07T08:14:00.000-07:00

My mini travel week is over. I haven't seen anything though , as usual i spent my time in my respective rooms in chennai and bhubaneswar, but it was a really entertaining week . First of all being at CMI , new campus , with few of my old friends of CMI was boundlessly entertaining and then it was bhubaneswar where again the mafia entertains in her usual unpredictable way. Bhai in CMI gave us the unusual treat of his eloquence power (sadly it was after grass ). Madhukar took his photograph and he exclaimed " dont i look like katrina kaif ?". Then there were cats, few girls ( first time in CMI). Surprisingly they have discovered that CMI guys are either frustru case or total nerds. Good for them but bad for the guys there. I can really start writing lots of pathetic stories about what is going to happen in cmi in next one year. Anyway , I bought the new Rabbi Shergill album Avengi Ja Nahin in Chennai, and after my first tryst with it I fell in love with three songs of it " Karachi Valie", "tu avin bandra", "bilqis". The opening song chhalla, has this melancholic punjabi folk touch , as if anyone can identify with the song, as if the song is about them, some really soft corner is getting exposed but yet there is a cover. Rabbi comes with another great piece of lyrical work, he is the best poet of recent times for me. Nothing, even my joblessness, moves me more than Rabbi . The second song is Karachi valie, punk elements with distinct rabbi style punjabi high pitch voice, this song is supposed to be the main attraction of the album. Lyrics is simple but femininely romantic. This is where Rabbi stands out from all the lyricists of modern times of India, something like Cold Play. I guess every one will agree there is nothing and no one like Rabbi Shergill in this world. Maen Bolia is like gill de guitar like composition, it's a story of a conversation , lyrics is as usual Rabbi standard , but till now challa remains the best lyrics for me. "Avengi Ja Nahin" is like "Istehar" lyrically but more modern use of words and sequences , it has this cute chord changes at the starting , sounds like cold play comes to punjab. Now "Ballo" is Rabbi's first attempt to R& B, lyrics is strictly ok, I mean i exepect only wrolds best lyrics from Rabbi. Then comes the best lyrics of the album, with "tu avin bandra", Rabbi takes Indian commercial music to the worlds topmost place. Even Dylan would have been happy to pen down a gem like this. My favourite couplet is
" jehrhian tu dourhan viche chhadian vekhin jinna puri keetian
vekhin tu raaje nagey fired hooran pakhey lamkian."
Then comes the "Paghri Sambhal Jatta". As far as I understand , It is about the history of exploitation of every class of the lower classes. Anyway no comments about this song , apart from the fact pointed oput by bhai that the starting sounds like some pink floyd song.
Last comes bilqis (jinhe Naaz hai), let me remnind you that it is not like jugni of the last album, there is no touch of satire here or any story telling. Its just questions targetted to everyone , from few indians who gave their life fighting against corruption and government non government exploitation. I felt like standing up during this songs. I was thinking that guys with long beard can really write well, marx, tagore, rabbi.......

Haldia trip and some of its consequences

2008-08-25T22:10:00.000-07:00

Haldia, provided you know someone in that totally unplanned and polluted city, is a nice place to change your emotional state. I went there to meet my friend, allegedly my gay partner , anirban. I was with him in my high school. To cut the long and boring story short , it is enough to say that he gave me entertainment once upon a time and I gave him. Now I was accompanied by my newly growing hair, joydeb and bappa. Bappa after his breakup with god knows whom has become more funny than ever. But his only problem now is that he doesn't have patience. Joydeb on the other hand after his brief tour of rehabs and 2 month long rehab process is more calm now, but his expression has changed, and the kind of "baal chhera geche" attitude was so joydebisque once upon a time is not present anymore, though his social skills are tremendous. I haven't seen anyone with better social skills than joydeb. Anirban, after his break up with anumita, or rather forced break up with anumita , is trying to show that he is funny and really fine , and whatever happens he doesn't care, again the same baal chhera geche attitude. This is the first thing that happens after a break up, people tend to believe that they are free and blah blah, but again boss hormon hormon . I went to haldia , with few things in mind, i will talk less, no more circus, good whisky and good food ( that too free), boat trip, no discussion about relationship and any other things which has nothing to do with the people present there, and the most important part to give some peace to my otherwise impatient mind. Except the boat ride and whisky none of them were satisfied. Anirban has really big apartment there, god knows how big it is, and he is alone. I can't stay in that kind of place, it looks like a ghost place. So to make the ghost place more humanly we had to do something, so again my performance, again breaking the silence of my mind. After every such performance for few days i feel that i dont have ground below my feet, may be faking is the reason behind this. During the whoel bus trip to haldia, my mind was fresh , a volatile freshness. Wahetver I saw became a poem, most of which I dont remember, then there were lots of other ideas that came in mind. Like a story of two conflict between two groups of human beings, one group never looses their umbrella, other group always forget their umbrella. Another story was some sort of animal story where a dog falls in love with a human girl, but the girl rejects him since he doesn't look like the usual human beings and hence ugly. lots of stories, pretty surreal. But after that trip everything is messed up. Even I cant laugh at my pain anymore. I think I should start believing in god. atleast if something bad happens , i can give the blame on god.

Desire

2008-08-25T03:53:00.000-07:00

Desire, the name of the most complex emotion of human pathetic beings. I will rather say that this desire is the most complex emotion of mine. What is it, how is it, these are not the question i am concerned with, the main point is my desire is decreasing. I dont feel like winning something, I dont feel like getting my hands on something which i dont deserve ( though i dont deserve anything). Even the desire of being sad is leaving me. So i decided that i will waste myself a little bit, and with the remainig desire left i will give a try to finish my application. Yes i dont want to go anywhere , also i dont want to stay in my home, i dont want to die either. fuck yes , this is the state i wanted to be, and fuck no , i cant live like this.

scared but free

2008-08-14T09:11:00.000-07:00

fear goes with freedom without any problem, as if both of them are somehow related, and this realtion ship is beyond by understanding capability. Today I thought to free myself a little bit, from every single thought, just become thought less. It is not possible. It is same as controlling our mind, how can i be free when my mind is under my control, there should be peaceful and free existence of both me and mind. The ultimate solution was to let my mind be random without any control. It was difficult, and depressing, suicidal. The whole morning I felt I will die, as if everything was burning. But it was important, so i thought i should reduce the weight myslef over my mind. So i went to my secodn favourite bar. Rum and sprite reduced the weight but increased all the insecurity feeling . Everything that I never got , I wanted and i will never get, came infront of my eyes. One of the greates discoveries of that time is , the leg pulling habit , that i have mastered in last few years is just a result of unfulfilled male ego. I should write a book on it. After a long battle , which i lost, i went outside the bar, the world was full of chaos. Yes it was the effect of alcohol. There is nothing called correct answer and the path of knowledge. Knowledge is free so it can not have a path. I walked , then decided that i need more alcohol , had it in my favourite bar , the best bar in this world. And now , when I am drunk and dont make any sense , i declare that i am free, and this trial of making myself free is just another attempt of making myself a slave.

Freedom flies

2008-08-12T07:51:00.000-07:00

Freedom flies, like the most irritating insect , everyone wants to kill it , so it is rare, but still it flies. I have seen these flies all my life, it is not irritating for me, and once it bites there are lots of bad effects too. As I become dumb day by day these fly comes back again, but this time to discuss freedom with me. In these years everything has changed , a deep sarcasm more or less dominates my social behaviour, so I become more irritating and stubborn for most of the people. My apathy for all the real things made me unrealistic and most of the time others find difficult to understand my point of view and and the reason of my perpetual happiness. Well I am not free, that is the moral of todays conversation with the fly. Freedom is unattainable unless the real and the inner world becomes same. But it is not possible for me, I feel my outer real world shrinking very rapidly and the inner world becoming totally disconnected with the reality.
Anyway I thought about few free people I know very closely and thought about the person who can really claim to be the most free person. Poets, freedom fighters, intellectuals, monks, ganja seller, pimps, drug addict , jokers and myself , I considered every thing that made my past and made my present so inescapably disconnected with the reality. And after a long consideration it was Lokkhi pishi . She works in our home. In our overly heated economy this kind of people suffers the most . But not she. She is the most clever human being I have ever seen. And most importantly the person who can accept change more than anyone I know. Illetaracy never stopped her to buy small land with proper planning with the small wages she got from the every day washing cleaning job of her. This job , I consider more disgraceful for the emplooyer than the employee. We Indians are strict believers of slavery. Whenever we get some money we want to get pleasure by not doing some trivial daily work and appointing someone for minimal charges. The feeling of having a slave (chakor or naukar) is one of the ultimate fantasy of Indians, and I observed that women love slaves more than men. I dont know the reason yet. Anyway Lokkhi pishi (Laxmi) has done justice to her name. She is the person always looking for something new to add to her life, for her family for her child. Her son goes to English medium school, she buys small land as future investment, she wants to buy old computer for her child .

Ugly , Pagli aur Googly

2008-08-04T10:55:00.000-07:00

Getting used to the tourist life of India again, specially kolkata. It is really strange to be treated as tourist by everyone in everypart of this world. Go to chennai there I am in tourist, in europe I am tourist . Well this holiday is a long one, 23 years and still going. When everything becomes predictable and most importantly boring then every wants a googly.
So I went to see my favourite actress Mallika. I dont know why I find her so stunning. Yes she is one of the most beautiful woman i have ever seen on or off screen, she is attractive but there is something about her which is really beautiful , which I can feel but cant express. She was as usual graceful sexy and beautiful in ugly aur pgali, apart from a particular emotional scene her acting was almost what was required. On the other hand Ranbeer Shore was in full form , again apart from few typical bollywood emotional moment. No one with me enjoyed the movie , probably the apathy for mallika. But I enjoyed this movie and apart from being carelessly written at certain parts , mallika gives me back the googly I needed in my mundane life. Love is not a formality, it is the only irrational thing which is desirable and productive.

welcome home , my dear tourist

2008-07-30T18:44:00.000-07:00

So again the tourist is back to his most comfortable tourist destination , that is his home. Firstly it is a great relief that I dont have to see any phirangi face here, and I can easily spend my whole day without knowing that human civilisation ever existed. Home looks crowded with lots of old object and most of the time lack of living objects makes it look like a haunted house. But anyway that is how it was always. It's monsoon still, and it reminds me of rain football. But sadly none of my friends are normal humna beings now. As if time has very quickly transformed everyone into corporate product. Indeed now the thrill of meeting my friends are not anymore there, as I saw them tired from office work, then to forget everything every evening either booze or ganja. I can't do it anymore, I have crossed that line, now I want to be physically fit for any confrontation, as there will be a lot in my future life. Once we used to have so much fun, humor had extreme creativity, now the glow has gone, we just remember the glorious past and repent. I hate past and more precisely I hate to live in it. For me present is the only thing that should be lived. So I am in my room again, trying to fix my clock, its running 3 hour 30 minutes slow. So around midnight I feel hungry, actually I feel hungry all the time, I am quite sure that in last 4 days I have eaten more than the amount of food I have eaten in last 4 months. And for t he first time I felt that I ma heavy today when I was running. Another few days and I guess I will cross the 60 kilo weight mark for the first time in my life. There are some good news related to hair also. One of my friend is a medical representative, he , after watching my growing baldness , suggested me that I should try one medicine, whose name I dont remember now. But surely it is quite popular as few other people told me about that. The thing is that it has 100 percent success ( according to the sample space considered here), but it has some serious side effects, it also helps irregular growth behaviour of other hairs and male sexual organs. I am not in this game anymore. Currently preparing the list of cinema I have to see, long time I havent seen any movie in big screen, last time was some good animation with the mafia and her gang.

packing

2008-07-24T01:42:00.000-07:00

As Mr Jerome K Jerome said "I rather pride myself on my packing. Packing is one of those many things that I feel I know more about than any other person living. (It surprises me myself, sometimes, how many of these subjects there are.)". Packing is very interesting, specially when you have a lot of things to be packed, very less space available and you are reluctant to pack most of it. I can relate this situtation with the situation of the government run buses in kolkata. They also have the same problem. Too many people to be packed inside the bus, space is limited and the conductor and the driver being the priviledged government employee, very relucatant to give people the rare oppurtunity to travel in a government bus. Normally the easiest way of packing is pseudo packing, something like deconstruction, you pretend that you are packing, take atmost 10 minutes and leave most the things unpacked , and pretend that they dont even exist. This is the way of packing i did in paris. I left most of the things there, as it was important to make the french fries happy and to make them forget about my dirty room and anonymous stay. In Chennai packing was different, I had to pack all my dirty clothes. It is not true that normally I dont wash clothes, yes in Padova I washed twice, and let me confess that even washing can give you heavenly pleasure, specially if you wash your clothes half yearly. Chennai didn't have water. As another mahapurus Indranil Mukherjee said " Different people don't get different things, like in somalia people dont get food, in US they dont get sleep, in france they dont see human beings, in germany people dont get humor, but in CMI people are lucky. We dont get girls and water. So if we dont wash our clothes or ourselves its not a big issue, on the other hand we can use this excuse of dirtyness for our singularity." Anyway this time packing is little bit interesting, I have a bag pack , which can accomodate upto 12 kilogram of dirt, but this year I bought few winter clothes , some of them even i liked. I never liked my clothes, or others clothes, i mean i dont like to be naked, or rather this world wont like if i roam around naked. But somehow the clothes ishtyle never trilled me. But this winter I thought about buying some good winter clothes, and yes I am proud of those winter clothes. I have to take them back, but here i have to make some compromise, which one to take which one to leave. Or may be I can consider my bag as Noah's Ark, and put one piece of every species. It is believed or I believe that when Noah was packing his boat, he missed many species to pack, or he was like me a pseudo packer. So many species became extinct after that crazy monsoon. It is also belived ( or i believe) that India is the arc that Noah Build. Back to the packing again. I have decided to give my fan to the director of my residence, not because of the rumor that he is gay , but becuase he asked so many times that where I am from and then after knowing kolkata, he said the place of mother teresa. Poor guy needs a mother, meanwhile my fan will be a gift from father teresa. I wanted to leave my modern arts in the room, the next person (although he can be a phirangi) coming to my room will be really happy or atleast not sad . But i cant, There is juicer in my room, which i cant take and wont take will also be left behind and probaly become an extinct species very soon.
The most important part is packing documents, as last night I had a dream that I am back in home and I need money. I am searching for my card and then I remember that I dont have my card with me. Shit happens, but most importantly before shit there is always a long disgusting fart (like before storm there is calmness ). This is a warning sign, I love god, he is the best god, for giving me warning sign always and making my life so eventful. Last part of the packing is packing the gifts for my friends, last year I have to give 50 euro bribe in mumbai airport to clear my eight bottles of wine that i took from paris. That was the first and the last time i bribed, and i had to do it, but those for whom i took the wine, said after drinking that they dont get high. Bloody dehatis will only be satisfied by tari and ganja. This year no more illegal things, just 3 bottles of wine and thats it, no gifts for anyone else.
Its time to do nautanki again, that too a regular one, like a daily soap opera, only difference is all along the day i have to do that. Time to meet the movers, the shakers, the smokers, the meditators, the rockers, the walkers, the planners . There are diferent kinds of units to measure different things, for light sound weight height distance, sometime measurement makes the original thing look smaller sometime it makes us feel that it is huge. In our funny times human is also an unit of measurement.

Film to abhi shuru hua hai.....

end of file

2008-07-23T02:15:00.000-07:00

As the end nears I feel uncomfortable again. Detachment is the last thing that I will learn in my life. My master thesis is online now, if everything goes well it will be in arxiv, meanwhile its there in my google groups myboredom. What I am saying and why i am saying is not clear to me these days. The failure of not being able to make my favourite wishes true, or may be the fear of the future where there will be only few horrible dreams left, makes all my words false, all my statements weightless. Fear, fear, for two years in high school everyday i had to listen to this word , as vivekananda strongly says everywhere, get rid off fear. But like human beings fear has its power too, what if fear doesn't get rid off me. I am neither strong nor weak, just like a medium, fear , sorrow, love everything come and go as their wish, only an unusual happiness and eternal silence is left everywhere. An ugly observers appreciation of beauty is just an information lost in the global archive of love and languishment of beautiful people, it never had life, it will never see reality. Then he finds dream to give it a pseudo existence. And that is why this fear of losing even the dreams. It is now time to stop, everything is either screwed up or going smoothly as they are supposes to go, just someone is stuck and that is his fault.
Got this translation of poem fo srijat today morning ,

staying abreast in life , I carry my parents on my shoulders,
passing wedding parties, traffic signals, service commissions,
wakes.
I falter , bleed, but never loose my senses.
There on my left , mama singing her light classicals. And on my right
papa is watching tv- an action thriller.
And yes ! it is me who stands on the shoulders
of such overwhelmed parents.
I, who do not care for a good job, or poetic fame, never bother about love or its tragedy,
only wait for a picture of this earth's final day.

Good bye dreams.

Stubborn

2008-06-25T20:39:00.000-07:00

I am pretty stubborn. Actually the most stubborn person I have met. I dont know it is a problem or not, but sometime when I start doing something I cant stop. Even after the end (if there is any well defined end for anything in this world). Whole night I tried to solve one problem. I thought it will be the best problem I have ever solved in my life, got stuck for 3 hours, and then again read the statement of the problem and found that I was trying to prove stronger result which might not be true. Anyway the problem is solved now, after a long time I solved exercises. It feels nice to do this once in a while or all the time. Why can't I have a life where I dont have to care about booking tickets, carrying passports, thinking about food. I mean I can work 24 hours per day if I dont get depressed. Depression can be avoided if you dont take part in outside world activity. But then all these regular work forces me to take part. That problem is solved but not the stronger hypothesis, and now i can't sleep. It is still working on my mind. Its hot, humid and i am sleepless, also i have an exam today. I dont want to leave my table today.

The outrage

2008-06-20T15:59:00.000-07:00

Chocolates are over, and frankly i didn't need chocolate to get over the damne sad feeling. It was chadril bhattacharya who did the magic again. For those who can read bengali ( that to a really bad texted document) they are lucky enough to read the stuff here :
http://www.guruchandali.com/guruchandali.Controller?font=unicode&portletId=1&pid=jcr://content/guruchandali/guruchandali12/121246673007 2

Those who ca't I will try to translate the things later. It is really sad that people like Chandril Bhattacharya is still unnoticed in India. Mainly becuase he writes his things in Bengali. But in near future, I am sure that he will be recognized as one of the leading intellectuals in the world of his time. His logics are very sharp and he has the tremendous power of writing in a style which is really easy to understand but yet the style is funny and well written at the same time. His metaphors always come from real life, and they are not universal most often, and that is the great thing i like. the attempt of universality is a failed one, and i believe that local properties are the only things worth studying (sorry to all the french philosophers, you guys suck a big time, learn something from chandril). This article of Chandril is probably the best article he has ever written or i have ever studied. I tried to write something on the same topic, though the intellectual content was not comparable to that of Chandril, once upon time. We have two different words for love in bengali one is prem another one is bhalobasa. It was way back in high school when I thought about the reason of having this two seprate words. It is not true that both of them means the same thing. Because bengali is a very young language and the colloqial part is the most influential part in bengali literature and language. So this two words should have different meaning. So tried to understand the difference of the two things. I dont know i failed or not in that article but it was true that love has different meanings in different relationships. I showed my article to my almost girlfriend and her boyfriend that time. Both of them didn't agree with whatever i said, this is not a new thing, generally people dont agree with me. but given the conditions that time, i decided to dump the idea of publishing it anyway. When you are a teenager and you have an almost girlfriend, you have to agree with her. Anyway Chandril's article reminded me that one. One of the best part of the article is the use of one of Alakta Nag's comment. In high school, in my favourite course indian culture, our teacher Satya maharaj one day talked about Freud and Derridas work. I bet no one understood a single thing when he was talking about Derrida (including me), and no one supported Freuds arguements (except me). So I thought about studying Derrida. It was bad decision altogether, but I didn't do anything special in high school apart from sleeping, occasional pornography, poetry and adda. So I bought a book of deconstruction and understood nothing from it , Derrida sucks. Then one of my teacher told me to read Anant Nag and Gayatri Spivak. Gayatri Spivak was awesomely boring, it is more boring than any western get together, where you dont have anything fruitful execpt getting dead drunk, or may be that is the reason of getting drunk as people are intellectually challenged in this white world. But Anant Nag was spectacular. I read his work on post independence India and its hatred for the white world. It was amazing, probably the most powerful work on postcolonial literature and philosophies till date ( remembering Edaward Said). I dont know why they dont introduce his work in university education, it can easily generate the sense of tiraskar in mind of indians for the western world, since it is very much needed at this point of time, as more and more we trying to allign ourselves with this axis of evil called the western world. It is said that Alakta Nag made even Derrida uncomfortable with his point of views. Anyway the thing Chandril uses in his article is the following, sorry vulgarity is guaranteed in my blogs, since this is
mine and i dont hide anything when i write ( even my incapability of writing in this phirangi language called english):
" We get kicks regularly. your van picks us up, your clean shaved darogas search bodies of our mothers-sisters. Sun passes away so does accidents. Our brain sticks to the wall of your torcherchamber and lock ups, it drops down from the tip of your boot. After licking our own blood with our squashed ear we run to the lamppost , for appointment with our girlfriends. We break the bulb, making your camera blind. We lick even the tonsils of our imagined wives in a sea long kiss. .......Yes we the son of bitches of third world will teach your pale heart what love is . With our claws and teeth we will teach you the song of slef arrested person in a harem. We piss on everyculture evry day. With our bad breath and our sweaty shirts our fat wives will squat near the tubewell and we will see from our windows and say lets play hide and seek in our childhood locality. We don't have perfume, lollypop, monopoly, we dont preach monogamy hypocritically. We only have body full of swelling, wounds, our only jewellary. We can wait, we can think, we can fast and hence we can love."

Long live Indian philosophy and Indian philosophers.

2008-06-20T06:39:00.000-07:00

Stations and airports are really bad things for me, even travelling now seems really bad, and frankly i dont love travelling anymore. any new place freaks me out. Last one year it happened every time, leaving kolkata for padova, leaving padova for some short trip somewhere, everytime i set my step outside my room, i feel a deep urge to comeback to my bed and sleep for long time. the concept of home is really screwed up in my mind now. dont know whether i will be happy to go back to kolkata or to chennai or to any other place. I had many incidents in train stations. specially when i was in chennai. But when someone lacks the notion of home, all this journeys become very difficult. the natural question which always come in mind is wheteher there is an end of this mess . I go back home i am guest there, i go to any other place i am guest there. there is only going no coming back, and its not always easy to comeback. i felt like flying back to india when i went to airport with pranav. it was a little bit uncomfortable feeling , but when i was going back to padova i didn't find any reason to go back to india , it's just someone else is happy becuase he has a strong idea of home made me sick and jealous. this kind of rootlessness is the source of biggest depression , and to avoid it eat lots of chocolate is the only advise i can give to myself.

un memoir pour mes ami

2008-06-19T05:11:00.000-07:00

je parle pas français, je parle pas aucune language. mais je try parle tout de language existant. ne pas try translate cette memoir avec google tranlate, depuis le language des cette memoir n'est pas une laguage reel. je change tout language et je faire eux une language tres simple et tres vulgar et tres politiquement incorrect. Le but de mes vie est destroy tout de la concept de culture religion nationalite language de plus destruction de tout le sophistication pseudo. alor je propose que tout le personne sentimentale sur language et culture, leave, s’il vous plaît. j'ai une dream plus grand ( alor
un nightmare pour autre) , et le philosophie de vie est faire les dream vrai. je ne pas care si tout le personne est against io, je ne pas care si tout le theorie presente est against io philosophie de complete destruction et non assimilation. attention, cette philosphie n'est pas un philosophie nihilist , de puis cette philosophie n'est pas une philosophie universal. la seule chose est justice pour mes monde , ce ne pas le monde reel, comme le monde rel est full des putiane de merde. mes monde est tres beautiful est full of seule grande human. cette monde est le seul monde j'aime et les seule monde je know. le premier statement des mon memoir de masters cette year est " culture, nationality, religion, skin color are the vague attempts of weak human beings to identify themselves with something strong. Be strong , be alone."

Sadhana, Production : M.Chowdhury Prachesta (1956)

2008-06-15T14:04:00.000-07:00

Like every other post dinner session I was googling. Everynight I google random things to get some entertainment. Tonight, when I was coming back from dinner I was trying hard to remember the name of the only film my grandfather made. It is a shame that I forgot that, but let me very honest, I never remembered most of his songs poems or his only film. For songs and poems I was kept away from all those things though I believe that I was the most close person to my grandfather. I dont remember anything baout him, I was very small when he died, but somehow our lives are same, only I got enough chances in my life, and I am not at all an artist. I dont remember him as a human being, all my pictures of him came from his lyrics poems and the stories related to him. And there are many many interesting stories. Anyway I was kept away from his songs and poetry since no one believed or still believes in my family that I have music or poetry in me. I dont know what is the precise reason behind that, maybe i dont look serious enough to convince others or sad enough to prove that I do understand poetry. My name was given by my grandfather. It is said that he thought i will do justice to my name. Its really interesting for me to understand whether my name predecided my nature or I unknowingly tried to justify my name. Anyway from the starting point I started developing a soft corner for him. The stories of going to opposition congress parties winning celebration after loosing the election as communist candidate in strict congress west bengal or the his some sort of autobiography where he honestly admits all the lies he had said made him one of my favourite human beings, my brother remains the favourite for me. He had the unique ability to accept anything new. My uncle's brother in law Gautam Chattopadhyay was trying to start a new generation of music in seventies. It was full of rock , country and jazz style in it but totally indianised, with mixture of baul, toppa, shyama sangit and bhatiyali. They were trying to change the whole concept of music arrangement in India. As usual no one accepted them. All of them broke apart and atlast in last 10 years they gained popularity in some parts of west bengal. Anyway that time they used to come to our home and talk with my grandfather as he was the first person to change the style of bengali lyrics. When all of the contemporary poets musicians rejected them my grandfather accepted Mohiner Ghoraguli and may be Mohiner ghoraguli paid their homage by covering one of my grandfathers songs "dinduniyar malik tomar din ke doya hoy na" ( the owner of this world dont you feel sad for the poor) . Change is the only constant , and he understood it better than anyone. I also liked his nationalism. The reason the stories about the film was kept away from me because still that phase is considered as dark phase in my family. My grandfather lost all his money for this film, even the jewellary of my grandmother. He almost killed himself, but didn't do that atlast. He lived. He lived an unemployed life, with three son (four son, one of them died) and one daughter and one wife. He lived and wrote songs and even the day he died he went to record one of his songs ad came back and had a silent heart attack and died. This rebels, like my grandfather and Gautam Chattopadhyay, probably defines the ideal human life properly. They suffer, people make fun of their apparent failures, but still they work silently, lives a common man's life, without any award or reward, and one day they die hiding all their pains. Their work remains there, people start to understand their point of view (for example the huge bengali rock and organised folk music industry taking shape in kolkata after the death of gautam chattopadhyay, pritam using the song prithibi for na jane koi, or suman starting a new generation music called jibon mukhi in early nineties after the death of my grandfather). Yes my grandfather and gautam chattopadhyay will be totally forgotten, may be their songs, after few years , will be used by others without any mention about them. But still in every independence day or any national celebration will be incomplete without "muktiro mondiro shopanotole", any debate on indian rock music will be toatlly incomplete without the mention of prithibita naki chhoto hote hote, there wont be any couple in kolkata who will never hear sohorer ushnotomodine. In some way people like him or gautam chattopadhyay or jibonanondo das never die. I salute this down to earth rebels, they confirm my belief that not everything is wrong in this world. Before finishing this aimless blog (like all the other things in my life) i wish to quote one of my favourite poems of jibonanondo das, in some sense he taugt me how bad poet I am, this is just remembering the master and all the other masters :

Amidst a vast meadow the last time when I met her
I said: 'Come again a time like this
if one day you so wish
twenty five years later.'
This been said, I came back home.
After that, many a time, the moon and the stars,
from field to field have died, the owls and the rats
searching grains in paddy fields on a moonlit night
fluttered and crept! - shut eyed
many times left and right
have slept
several souls! - awake kept I
all alone - the stars on the sky
travel fast
faster still, time speeds by.
Yet it seems
Twenty-five years will forever last.

Probably I will love to live.

two pems with bad translation

2008-06-14T08:09:00.000-07:00

These are the two poems which somehow made me a little bit lazy today. Both translations are bad, that doesn't means the original ones are good. First one I wrote today , second one was probably written last summer or first month in padova.

eko-chhotro emon borshakale,
premik kemon aponmone chole
rasta,
sosta
jodi hoto tajmohol, kinai ditam, shonge
tukro takra moskora sombol, cake-er upor topping, shorbange
brishti mekhe,
k tumi ? dakle sheshe ?
chokh jholsay, bhalobeshe
takale.

ekprostho emon brishti hole,
premik tokhon premer kothai bole,
dhushor dine shorbange
mekhe bhalobashar theme,
altufaltu loke khnoje forsa hobar cream,
k tumi ? khnujle sheshe amake ?

In this one-umbrella rainy season,
lover walks his disntinguished road,
if the tajmahal were cheap, i would have gifted it, with
pieces of humor, topping over the cake,
with rain all over your body, who are you calling me ?
my eye burns , whenever i look at you with love.

whenever it rains like this,
lover talks about only love,
with the theme of love all over his body
in this greyish day,
and unimportant people search for fairness cream,
who are you searching for me atlast ?

hoyto neshay chhilam ?.
kimba shotti tumi shundor ?
kintu jokhon shobar shamney tumi
mishti heshey bolley
"tumi na khub flirt koro "
tokhon amar khub kharap legechhilo .
keno nodi keno ?
ae chapa dupur
tar majhey nongra jibon
bichhanay kotodiner purono gham
table-a tar chay-o purono Dostoyevsky,
hatey byathha kora dhowa bukey byathha diye to besh berochchhilo ,
tobey keno tumi ojana baank niye amar dikey-e eley ?
amakey jol khawaley
teshta berey gelo
ekhon prithhibir shob nodi shob shagor k paan korar j ichchha chhilo
ta puro puri choley gechhe .
shudhu tomar dharey boshey dekhbo r o nod nodi tomatey eshey mishchhey
r tumi cholechho shagorer dikey .
shagor shay bhishon akorshoniyo tomar kachhe ,
tar mahatyo , tatey mishey jabar jonyo tomar utteyjona konodin tumi
lokao ni .
hingsha hobey , ashto tomakey onyo kothao miley jetey dekhley
emonki durey jekhaney akash tomar shathey mishechhey shekhaney-o aami thaktey chae .
privacy boley kichhu rakhlam na.
keno nodi keno?

May be I was drunk ?
or you are really beautiful ?
but when you said infront of everybody witha sweet smile
that I flirt too much,
I was sad.
why nodi? why ?
this silent afternoon
and the dirty life in it,
old sweat on my bed,
even older doestoyevsky on my table,
hand paining smoke was smoothly going out after giving pain to my lungs,
then why you took a turn towards me ?
gave me water,
my thirst increased,
now the dream of drinking all the rivers and sea is completely gone.
i will just sit beside you now and see all the nod and nodi meeting with you,
and you are going towards the sea.
sea is very attarctive for you,
the hugeness of him and your urge of dissolving in him
you never hide.
i will be jealous to see you dissolving into something completely,
even far away where the sky meets you, i want to be there,
theres is no privacy for you , isn't it ?
why nodi, why ?

*Nodi is female river and nod is male river.

ae matro alo jolechhe,
mukhey rong ,akashey shondhe,
prokash korar onyo chhondey
onekey miley pordar dharey
tanbey ki tanbey na porda
dinbhor kilbiliye , loke esheychhe,
koyek gram ujar,
jonmo mrityu, koumarjo, sitar patal probesh,
gondho shukbo ki shukbo na
emon bhabna
nae kono kukurer.
bakira klanto
ae jogorjhompey
paley paley manush
matha ghurchhe
rong gondho poth shobdo ae niye
natok genthechhi
r stage-a ekhon jholmolay
bastobdhormi shajposhak.

just now the light has blossomed,

color on my face, evening all over the sky,

many have gathered beside the curtain

for the new rhythm of exaplanation,

should they pull the curtain ?

like insects people have come the whole day,

emptying few villages,

birth -death, virginity , patal prabesh of sita,

should i smell it or not ?

no dog thought about that ,

others are tired,

in this worldly sound and dance

people have gathered like beasts,

I am feeling dizzy.

with colors , smells , roads and words

i have embroided this play.

And on the stage glitters practical fashion.

When time ends, this morning, and the hidden memories are wrinkled

2008-06-13T08:50:00.000-07:00

Happy , Happy, Happy. My father alwyas warned me that happiness is limited, so we should spend it properly. I dont believe, there is nothing limited in this world. Its our fault , its our limitation that we can only think about limited things, we only think when we are forced to think, we only think staying inside our limited resources of experiences and close all the other possibilities of feedback. Ritwik Ghatak once told a student "practise thinking". Yes it is very important. There are no particular ways of thinking, and there are nothing called good way of thinking or bad way of thinking. Every second our mind thinks, sometime we dont even know what is she thinking about. We just try to control our mind and make it to think with us. But it is not supposed to be that way. It is we who should make ourselves think with our mind.
Today everyone is in a phislosophical mood, so I thought I should add my pakao philosophies too. Saurabh bhaiya as usual can easily become the prophet in a world where people have good sense of humor and open mind to accept new things. I dont know the last time when I learned so many things from a single person, I also dont remember the last time when I had so many galis from a single person. After this academic year, as the life of a graduate student has this as the unit of year, I will miss those b.b (balcony bashing), b.f (balcony fundebaji) and b.s (balcony smoking) days with him. As I lokk back to my two years of masters in europe today, I dont feel that it was at all fruitless. I didnt produce that much mathematically that i was supposed to produce, given the motivation and background i had in mathematics after undergarduation. But then I learned so many things. I learned how to live and not succumb to the pressure of the outside world. I learned how to be happy with small things. I learned how to enjoy alone. Srushti is basically a funny creature, who thinks and produces trash philosophies ( better than mine offcourse), but he is very helpful. His room in weekends in paris was a real escape for me. All those experiments of cooking and chutiyapa has made me a good marriage material . See I can cook reasonably, I have a weird sense of umor (aleast I have it ok), I can live with other human beings peacefully, I can talk about nonsense for a long time, I like kids, I am happy with the option of being a househusband or a dog, and most importantly I dont get bored with anything after this two years.
So srushti told me that he liked the songs I recorded last year in Paris. He is the second person to say that. And I am very happy that atleast there exists two human beings who liked them. One of the songs was written for one of my friends. His name is Saurabh Shaw. But we know him as Chasa (farmer) (for his dehati way of living), hulo (for his love for cats and he also looks like male cats). the song was an attempt to make this phenomena called chasa in every college. The lyrics is vulgar and dont try to understand it if you dont appreciate vulgarity.

Myao Myao chasa,
moder gorob asha,
kokhono awush amon dhan, kokhono desi aon dhan,
shokale lota haate mathe ghate bosha,
shay j trendy chasa , chay rendi khasa,
kokhono menir telephone, kohono nijer guprodhon
babai-e haat buliye dnat keliye hasa.

chashi bhai khetekhute, bhablo bekar e jawani
onekdin beral chude gonorrhea-r hoyrani
gamla gamla birjo dhele chashar shine shirshirani
pokar marar worldcup-a chasha jitlo menir joni
tarpor jemonti hoy, e golpo same golpo noy
mondirer kone shesh bhalobasha
myao myao myao chasha.

The second song is a non vulgar one, and maybe it is not that good, but it has a very fresh tune :

amar bhalobasha kothay umi aaj,
jokhon shomoy shesh hoy
shatshokale aaj
paat kora shob smriti te porlo bhnaj.

r pache tomar amar prem bnache
jholshe jay kono kobita
paar kore shomoy-thomoy joto achhe
gupto ajke shobita
table konay thongay thongay shobdo aaj hochche jobdo
cable theke tv chhoray dirghoswash
table konay thongay thongay shobdo aaj hochche jobdo
shower khule khamkhelyalir srabon mash.
amar bhalo basha kothay tumi aaj
jokhon shomoy shesh hoy shaatshokale aaj
paat kora shob smritite porlo bhnaj.

Bt my favourite songs remain ai raat, the lyrics is a bit immature but anyway it was written 3 years back.
There are few poeple who are so lovable that you can not help yourself . Yes I have met this kind of people, most of the time when i am in a very bad phase of my life. And most of the time after the bad phase is over they leave, it is like that always. Every sentence is terminated by a full stop. But, hey, the last sentence of this blog is not , I just l

Obama, pseudo humanist , few baseless italians, cubism

2008-06-10T15:37:00.000-07:00

I dont have hard feelings for any community , but yes i hate certain people. those who try to identify themselves with the powerfuls, those who are too weak to stand alone, those who are not aware of the world but still makes comments about them. Today was a hard day. Tried a lot to sleep but two problems kept me awake all the time. Just when I was sure that if I dont sleep i will be dead by the overdose of caffine I had to leave my bed to go to the student secratariat . That place is a machchhibazar. Full of childish phirangis , dressing like as if there is nothing real attached to their existence, everything is a bloody show off and they just trying to hide the baselessness of their life by their guccis and armanis. wonder how did they manage to get up so early to put make up and all those crazy perfumes and wear all those weird clothes and come to the student secretariat. The most boring part of the european stay is that you will never find any interesting conversation where you can learn any new thing, even any new jokes. Wonder how could such creatively challenged people enjoy the majority of the resources of this world. Knock Knock, God, are you white ? So I was there in that bloody mess with all this safedi ki jhnak. I have started hating the white color these days. Good for me, atlast I am doing something which can be calssified as universal virtue. I waited there for 30 minutes, then my turn came, I went to the counter, then guy in the counter took me to some weird lady whose only aim of life is to show how difficult is typing in computer by making disturbing noices. She asked me to wait there, wait for the person in chanrge, who was probably watching porn or playing 3 patti in his computer. I waited another 30-40 minutes. Just imagine , you haven't slept for last 36 hours and you have come to this place without eating anything , and the guy is doing some chutiyapa in his computer, and you are sitting there , in that circus. I never felt such a strong urge of killing someone in my life. There were pathetic human beings, there were ignorant human beings, but that dimag ka paidal was a most jhnatu idot i have ever seen. He called me after a long time, I went there, he made a face as if he is doing a favour to me. He started speaking in italian. Languages are very easy specially european. I understand Italin if someone speaks slowly, offcourse all these european language which can be classified under the monkey group language are not rich enough to be difficult. I dont speak any of them, since this is my personal choice. For me speaking in C++ is much more challenging than speaking in french or german or italian. He finished his work, I felt like putting that guys face on the table and drilling a hole in his head very slowly. that part was finished, then I went to the insti. Tried to print off some document but that middle age machine didn't work properly. Then had lunch, went to uni again, waited for the last lecture of the course called "Realization". Europeans never understood what understanding it, the more they pretended the more they moved away from understanding and the more they pretended. This realization course is like any other eurpean mathematical course. Which shows the emptyness of the western thought processing. After all it takes a Gandhi or Buddha to show the simple facts and paths. I can take responsibility of atleast the failure of the course Realization as most of the talk were given by me and I am a really bad speaker, and there were no apparent relation between my talks. The choices of the topics were not mine. Before the course I thought that we will cover Motives and that is the main area of interest of this course, So I read the lecture notes on motives , then the course was just a simple bachcha gradutae level cohomology course, where you come and talk abot trivial things, which even a child can understand given suffiecient time. Then it became a course of vague category theory, which is not mathematics, then it became vague nomenclatures of things. And ended with the two most boring and unprepared talks. Today was one of them. I couldn't keep myself awake for the lecture. So I started painting. The prof Haramadaletto invited everyone for diner in his home after the lecture. I didn't sleep, it was more than 48 hours then. I went there. Well this pseudosophisticated pepole of europe really pisses me off. None of them are strong. They lack confidence, they lack talent but still they pretend. Normally in this kind of company I dont feel like speaking, moreover I was tired, then got drunk, then there was this typical western post lunch conversation. Topic chnaged to politics. It became Obama bashing. Chutiya letto said that he doesn't like Obama as he doesn't know about the world. I was angry, felt like breaking chutiyalettos naak, wahipe.Safidi ke jhnak, gay putra , Chris said that it is very important for usa to have him as president as he will be the first black president. As if Obamas wole existence is determined by his skin color. I couldn't stop myself. This was too much. I dont care about who was who there, only thing that came in my mind was the chanakya theory, samul vinash and tiraskar for enemies. I know that this phirangi people has lived their phokat ka life for a long time. NOw either they should be enslaved or terminated. All powers should join hand to destroy this pretentious western culture. Sarpa krudha , khala krudha, phirangi krudhatara khala. Whiteness should be eliminated from this world.

You have Kota they have quota

2008-06-07T07:46:00.000-07:00

Anger rules. India is teh highest producers of donkeys is a very well known fact. It is also well known that Indian Government , till recently funded many Institute of national importance to produce high number of Donkeys. So there were IIT's and AIIMs and all those stuffs. What you have to do become a Donkey ? It's easy, learn how to integrate and differentiate without even knowing what integration and differentiation means, learn how to memorize complex organic chemistry bullshit, learn how to pretend that you know physics by just solving problems from pirimitive physics books like H C verma , gather all the probable "types" of questions from FIIT JEE's and Brilliant. And then the last resort , ask your father to spend some money for you for the grooming procedure in Kota. Every year the money spend by the parents for their beloved meritorious donkeys for the preparation of the entrance exam can easily feed half of the hungry people in subsaharan africa. But hey , don't you want to go to IIT or AIIM. Don't you like the kool life after IIT or in IIT. People will love you, wherever you go, you are the next avatar of vishnu or something like that, and what about the kool lingo they use ? Even you can write books, people will love it, however bad it is literally. And then you can protest too, wearing hip clothes , with fancy placards, and burning the Indian costitution, since it was written by a pro reservationist dalit. Most often parents will encourage their son to prepare , not much for the daughters, they are not strong enough, isn't it ? don't you know that girls are scared of mathematics ? they always do well in those subjects where you need to memorize, like arts ? Yes you are right arts is not a real subject. Have you met any poet who had a car , or a painter who goes to disco every night and speaks in angreji all the time ? Or a small film maker who says that reservation should be abolished. How can they afford, they are not intelligent enough to understand all these stuffs. They are the scum of the academic world, they go for arts.
In my high school many people tried to seduce me to go to the IITs. Yes I am not intelligent enough. I had real problems with big integration, I never understood the point of chemistry. After mechanics the high school physics lookes so obscure and out of place. I studied arts, I read poems, a lot of them. I read stories, I studied books on cinema, even religion. I was out of the competitive world as I was not intelligent. My parents somehow hooked me with this physics teacher whose only aim in his life was to crowd the iits with his students. I wont lie, but he liked me. May be because in the first half I was really interested in phyics, and doing well. But then every reasonable humna being needs a motivation for learning something, the motivation should be more than getting a job. I didnt find any. Forget that part, that freaks me out. Anyway the discussion of IITs started because I found another youth for equality jackass. Yes I am very very pro reservationist. I believe that those who claims to be brahmins rajputs or thakurs should be killed as soon as possible. I believe that all the prophets were victim of hallucination, all religions can be easily reconstructed by any seven year old child, god is not a useful concept. There were few incidents in last 10 years which gave me a lot of information about the real world. Though it screwed up my academic life. One was this youth for equality bullshit and the comments of barkha dutt and chetan bhagat, then this gujrat riots , and one of my friend facing implicit discrimination from her parents for being a girl child. All of them are related , though I dont have any concrete theory to describe the relation. So the story for this article is this : I read a comment of a kid in an orkut community, some IIT aspirant , who believes that his chances of getting into IIT is less because of the reservation issue :
He wrote :

"reservation sucks

reservation sucks

u are self centered
The person who comes to sweep an clean up in our house is a kayastha like me
he lives with family of 6people in 1 room and a makeshift bathroom
He won't be getting reservation bcoz he is of high caste and suposedly gets more previliges.
will u give up ur place fr his son who is giving his exams this year
he had to borrow money to even get forms and stationary for this
reservation sucks

Anyway
whatever was done in the past centuries was not done by me
Did I personally opress ur forefathers
All I am aiming for is a good career and my chances of getting in a good college is
only 50% even though I am still in my 11 th and have not even given my 12 th exams
Am I a lesser citizen because of my caste? bcoz of what someone else had done?
Answer me"

and also :
"The girl whom u have showed in profile pic, the people who don't get 3 square meals a day are never going to be able to reap the benefits of reservation
Why???????/
because--- They don't have access to basic/primary education
the people who will be at advantage will be people from towns and cities who have adequate access to education and and other essential facilities
people from middle class and high income groups
ministers,businessmen,big shop owners etc who don't really face a crisis.
It won't affect that tea stall owner in front of ur house,neither will it help those rickshaw pullers or the farmer ploughing his field.
Why?
Again the answer is education.
These people don't have access to basic amneties like clean water,let alone education
And u expect them to leapfrog into universities ????????
u r just greedy people,nothing else"

I wrote :

Reservation is not for economic justice it is for social justice. Our existence largely depends on our social status not economic power. Simple facts contradicting your point of
view:
1. A rich mans wife is also rich but is she powerful socially ?
2. u said : The person who comes to sweep an clean up in our house is a kayastha like me
he lives with family of 6people in 1 room and a makeshift bathroom
He won't be getting reservation bcoz he is of high caste and suposedly gets more previliges.
will u give up ur place fr his son who is giving his exams this year
he had to borrow money to even get forms and stationary for this

I say : That kayastha will always try to arrange money for his sons education, as they have the culture of education in their family. think about those people who are not allowed to study for thousand years. Will they do the same thing ? This kayastha knows that once his son crosses the threshold of higher education and gets a good job his social status will be same as you or any other middleclass. But what about backward caste , who is made to believe that whatever happens they are backward caste and socially they dont have any power.
All this drama for youth for equality shows that how reservation is imporatnt. How many stories of injustice with dalits you have ever heard ? Those stories are told to you by some people who are not dalits. As if they don't even have the right to protest for themselves. In our so called modern world all of us still believe that those who are socially powerful has the right to protest and also we hold the right to protest for others. Our system taught us that if we protest it will be heard, media will cover it, police wont kill the protestors as all of us belong to so called good families. But when they try to protest no one will go, they are just scum of the society. Only we, the strongs can represent them when our personal motive is not at stake.
you and your youth of equality sound like Marx, who once said about the peole trying to get freedom from colonisation : " They cannot represent themselves, they must be represented "- Karl Marx, The Eighteenth Brumaire of Louis Bonaparte.

you said:
whatever was done in the past centuries was not done by me
Did I personally opress ur forefathers
All I am aiming for is a good career and my chances of getting in a good college is
only 50% even though I am still in my 11 th and have not even given my 12 th exams
Am I a lesser citizen because of my caste? bcoz of what someone else had done?
Answer me

I say :
This reservation is not an act of revenge, it is a damage repairing algorithm. The only reason India was colonized by British, was the Kingdom was not the representative of Indians. Now you look at the present or any government, do you see the representation of classes properly in it ? Look at any educational institute or any MNC or any goevernment office, do you see equal representation. Equal representation is important for economy. If a huge part of the population fails to represent in all these things , their contribution to GDP becomes zero and hence they also get back the minimal social and economical benifits. So the end result is they remain dormant for years. Its you who is selfish. Try to understand the reality, though you have always the option to run away from it, like your forefathers did, but then you will be pulling our country back to the middle ages.
You said :

The girl whom u have showed in profile pic, the people who don't get 3 square meals a day are never going to be able to reap the benefits of reservation.

I say :
How do you know that they wont get the benifit ? Grass root level reservation has many minus point, it will divide our divided indian society more. Childhood time is the time when you get your prejuidices developing and those prejuidices most often never leaves. So ig you start telling a child about his or her caste and the importance of it by reservation from grass root level, then we will have million countries inside India. And anyway after you finish your education you are not going to help that girl in that picture. So why dont you keep your mouth shut.
This maggus from IIT and AIIMS never knew what struggle is, how does it feel to receive social discrimination for being someone from a lower caste. Their definition of struggle is the struggle to memorize things for the entrance exam. Where you will study for three years without knowing why you are studying. You study maths just to do well in maths exam so that you get in some bullshit engg college and then you get a big salary job. So your struggle or their struggle has nothing great in it. This struggle is protected by your parents. They constantly supply you with books, food, Brilliant FIITJEE material (worth lakhs of rupees), private tutors, probably a place in the "KOTA" factory of developing donkeys. You have Kota for you so they have quota for them.
You and with all due respect to your forefathers, they, never knew about this world properly. Grow up grow up."

Before the end , this what one website realted to Kota says :
"Welcome to coaching city. Once Rajasthan's biggest industrial hub, Kota is now churning out the highest number of IITians in the country and the institutes claim that one-third of the nearly 5,000 students who crack the JEE are groomed in Kota."
I am really interested to know what Barkha Dutt and Chetan Bhagat will say about this .

pyar ke side effects

2008-06-07T05:03:00.000-07:00

Its a very late morning again. And I dont take any responsibility for this. Yesterday evening I was angry. So there was this hedache, the biggest one of last few months. So slept late, and it was really hard to get up when your head pains and the weather is shit. But, the future of the day doesn't look that bad . I am not the only one who is angry or who deserves to be angry. I read this news
http://in.news.yahoo.com/indiaabroad/20080607/r_t_ians_nl_general/tnl-love-struck-man-climbs-15-floors-fal-b9e311f_1.html
. Just imagine a guy trying to climb a drainpipe to meet someone in the dead fo the night , he climbs first floor , then second then he goes up up , motivated enough to not look down. But just when he is there, he looks down and thats it , free fall. There was a line in Herbert :
Balloon, rocket , birds , steps , whatever goes up comes down. And by newton , with same end velocity and acceleration. Justice is there only after death.
The news ends like this :
"There is no one that we can hold accountable for the accident but the victim himself, who was foolish enough to climb up the drain pipe," said Deputy Commissioner of Police Sateesh Balan.

Then there was this news :
http://in.news.yahoo.com/indiaabroad/20080606/r_t_ians_nl_general/tnl-love-for-empty-bullet-lands-woman-in-b9e311f.html
She must be very angry. She just loves empty bullets. Like Dharmendra likes khoon of is favourite dog, or ramgopal verma loves bal thackre, or salman khan loves black bucks or Osama loves USA. Like all these people her love was so non violent, still police stopped her. Can you imagine police stopping Morarji Desai carrying a bottle of fresh yellow urine ? Then why this discrimination. Well, Morarji Desai was a national pride, for Pakistan. He is the only Indian to receive the highest civilian awards from both India and Pakistan, namely the Bharat Ratna and Nishaan-e-Pakistan. He had tried hard to run for the nobel peace prize like all the prime ministers before Manmohan Singh ( modulo Indira Gandhi) tried. His best friend was Zia ul-Haq. He shared every news with him, his breakfast, the color f his morning shit , the briefings from RAW. The great story of how he didnt believe the RAW briefing that Pakistan is developing their nuclear power and called Zia ul-Haq and told him that RAW is giving all this weird stories is really one of the greatest stories of friendship and love. But he was the greatest inventor of auto urine theory. Don't laugh , this theory is really sound. Atleast drinking your own piss is far better than drinking others isn't it . Read the following story to start respecting our great leader bharat ratna Morarji Desai :
http://in.news.yahoo.com/ani/20080607/r_t_ani_nl_nri/tnl-cow-urine-as-anti-diabetic-drug-d03182a.html

Bewafa Deepika ya baal baal dekho

2008-06-04T05:36:00.000-07:00

First censor di certificate.
Film name Bewafa Deepika ya baal baal dekho. Universal yet adult. Language : Slangali.

Then dhnechu production presents :

A boring picture movie:

BEWAFA DEEPIKA YA BAAL BAAL DEKHO.

The title song starts
http://www.esnips.com/doc/89855daf-36c2-46a0-88ba-eff921ebb0ae/Shei-hawa
You can see the room of Mr X. As all the things in his room gets listed on the screen you can see the starting credits. All the names are attached with a tag to the different different objects of the room. The title song fades and you can see Mr X on his bed , half naked, showing his skinny muscles.

The alarm clock starts ringing. It is 8 30 , he has to go to the first lecture. It goes on, he canges his sleeping position, throws the pillow to the clock, after 10 minutes of this philosophical fight MR X gives up. He gets up, the first word of the day coming from his mouth is " gandu saala, antkurir byata ( son of impotent)". He changes the alarm to 10 30. He goes to the bathroom, takes toothpaste on his toothbrush, washes his face, looks at it , feels disgusted ,
Mr X : " Saala er theke gadhar na chhochano pod bhalo ( even dirty arse of donkey is better than this ).
With the toothpaste in his mouth he sits on his bed, he goes to the vishnu position , logs in, reads times of india and bbc, while reading bbc he keeps saying "dhyamna phirangi". Then goes to orkut , goes to his freinds profile, then friends to friends, friends to friends to friend, friends to friends ......... to friend profile. Goes to santbanta checks out all the new wallpapers. And suddenly he looks at the wallpaper of Deepika , Oh deepika Oh Deepika :
song : http://www.esnips.com/doc/bbce22a2-5e79-48d1-828a-5f5370c382e1/Ajab-Si---Om-Shanti-Om
He goes through all the posters of deepika. His fleshless face covers up with emotion and his mouth fills up with the froth of the toothpaste. He finds out that he took part in some competition where the winer will get a chance to talk with deepika padukone by phone. The song is almost over , suddenly his phone rings, he receives the phone, and from the opposite side a woman voice confirms that X has won the prize to talk with deepika, all the froth comes out from his mouth because of surprise, excitement , love etc etc etc. He waits for Deepika, and she starts talking.
Deepika : Hi,
X : .......
Deepika : Hi, Is it , Palandu Choudhury.
X : .....
Deepika : Hi, Can you hear me. What happened to the line. I think I lost him.
X (shouting) : No, No, I am not lost. I am here.
Deepika : So you are here.
X : YA Ya,Good morning Deepika. I am your greatest fan . I have seen Om Shanti Om 15 times.
Deepika : (fake blushing) Because of fans like you we enjoy our stardom. Thanks Pandu.
X: Its Palandu.
Deepika: Oh I am sorry. Thanks Palandu. You have a nice name. What is the meaning ?
X: You have the best name deepika. Light .
Deepika: And the meaning of your name ?
X: God knows.
Deepika: Very meaningful. God knows.
X: NO , NO...
Deepika: So Palandu, how is life treating you. Tell me something about you. We dont get the oppurtunity to know about our fans. Thanks to radio mirchi, TVS sporty, Pepsi, Fair and lovely ... and all the sponsors of this show ....
X: I love you, I mean I love your acting. I always wanted to meet you. It was my dream, now it is partially reality.
Deepika: And what do you do ?
X : You know Yuvraj is a good cricketer but not your type... He is a big flirt, not that stable. You need someone who is stable..
Deepika: Ha ha ha, Palandu ji, this are all rumors.
X: Really. Is it true ? Yeah, I didn't believe it . But you know, you stay so far away, so all this interent news are the only way to know about you. But these bustards....
Deepika : Palandu ji....
X: So Yuvraj is not there. Even I am single Deepika. I am looking for someone who is stable , caring, beautiful, what about you ?

Deepika : You are really funny .

background song starts :
http://www.esnips.com/doc/2ed53f3b-6c16-4d77-9546-c99fcc7cf78b/chandrabindu_Jodi_bolo

X: Yes , all my friend say that. But when you say it means a lot. I have even acted in school plays. Once I was a Donkey in a play. I forgot my lines and started crying. Everyone laughed.

Deepika : He, he

X: You didn't tell me which kind of guy you like .

Deepika: Well, I am busy with films now, and I dont want to be in relationship now, it takes lots of time you know.

X: No , No. Ok. But when you will have time.

Deepika: Someone who loves me, who matured, intelligent, caring, honest, witty.

X: So like Sharrukh khan in Swadesh.

Deepika: He He, Shahrukh is great.

X: You will like someone like shahrukh.

Deepika : Shahrukh in Om shanti Om. He looks kool in it . With his new stye and body

X looks at his body with a sigh of dissapointment.

Deepika : and his new hair style.

X: So you like guys with long hair.

X feels really bad as he shaved his head few days back. Now he doesn't satisfy any of deepikas condition except loving, caring and witty .

Deepika : I mean guys with long hair looks good. But honesty is very important.

X: Yes, Yes honesty honesty. I also like honest people. It seems our taste matches. But its sad that i wont be able to meet you .
Deepika: Oh Palandu ji, you are a nice guy. I will love to meet you.
X: I will only love if I meet you. But it seems impossible.
Deepika: Ohh palandu ji, dont be sad. Ok its a deal . I will meet you when I go to your place. Hey I am going to your place next week. I will take your contacts from the competition. I will try my best to meet you.
X: Really, really really.........
The phone disconnects, the alarm clock rings , Its 10 30. For the first time the alarm clock doesn't piss him off. But still he changes the alarm to 4: 30.
He calls his friend to tell the story and figures out that probably this is the last and first chance to
impress Deepika. What a luck. his friend was sleeping. Those who sleep have their luck sleeping with them.

Interval of the short film.
Enjoy the trailors of the other movies.........
Smoking is strictly prohibited inside the theatre.

angrezi and raincoat

2008-06-03T11:10:00.000-07:00

What is the best phrase to describe a british. Srushti came up with this brilliant idea. Why not N.R.I ? Think about this. Yesterday night internet died, so it was boring. I downloaded ritupornos raincoat few weeks back, so watched it. Raincoat is not one of the best creation of Rituporno, it is not one of his good creation, but there were certain elements which were superb. First of all the cinematography is awesome. The idea of making a complete indoor movie is also really strange hence great. Ritupornos best quality is his smooth story telling, he is not that good in story telling in raincoat. He tried to hide many trivial things for the whole first half , its not his style. May be to make it more commercial he did that. Everyone needs money, even rituporno. Anyway post Anu Kapoor Raincoat is really great, he is a superb actor and steals the whole show. I read Gift of the magi from my english textbook. Most of the stories I have read are from my text book, and I read them properly, mind it. I think it's a good story and with all its minor faults even Raincoat is a good script. I liked the movie yesterday , I didn't have anything more fruitful to do, I wrote my second angreji poem after that (first one was in Sreekumar vermas creative english).

oh love, oh love ,
what you did to the lovers ?
Neither I can breathe in nor she can breathe out, lovers ...
following the rules of sacrifices
they have given up.....
old prized possessions
called dreams,
this extreme
punishment,
do they deserve ?

how can you stay calm today ?
oh love oh love,
they are simply lovers,
when the sun is burning the moon each night, they are lovers ....
following the rules of sacrifices
the moon gives up ......
the world wakes up
with each sunrise
to see the death of lovers.

They die, they die,
then why did you lie to the lovers ?
then why dont you die with them ? those lovers .
they die, they die,
even then they pretend to be alive,
they lie, they lie
and the world looks grey,
birds dont sing, they cry,
they knew the lovers.
following the rules of sacrifices
they never showed ...
only possession
called pain.
please explain,
this punishment,
do they deserve ?
oh love .

Saala mein to sahib bann gaya.

suppose i am in love

2008-06-02T03:56:00.001-07:00

There are hundred of movies talking about love, thousands of stories and poems preaching. And you think all these are bullshit ? Think it again ? There are moments when I think that all these th
are bullshit, but that is precisely the time when I eat pasta and horse meat in Piovego. Today morning was not the usual morning, I feel scared, a little bit. I had a dream, and that made me sad and scared. So when the ground below is shaking its better to not put your feet on it. So I sat on my bed and made a song for me, you and the dream. This is the last month of my masters , and with enough bad luck this can be the last month of few things which i dont want to end. But anyway , I am not a superpower, and truely helpless. I just watch things going away. That is for future, for the unknown sad things of future why should we make the present bad. So lets start :

D A E_m D
Aj shokale, shopno eshe , first cigarette bhjiye dilo,
D A E_m D
r pahare, berate giye, shesh nodite keu bhjiye dilo,
D A
nodir rong gholate holo,
D A
akash holo nilbihin,
D A
shechcha ghumeo shopno ashe na r
D A
balconyte uri dikbidik.

D A E_m D
Payer tolay, shorshe dana , muche tomay ankre dhorechi thik.
B_m A
Tomay bhalobashe mon
B_m A
tomakey-e bhalobashe mon.

3 songs

2008-05-31T08:27:00.000-07:00

For the last 5 years weekends are those days of the week which i tried to avoid all the time. In padova though, weekends are very special, reasons are very personal, and probably you don't care for that. Anyway yesterday I thought I will study today, but after lunch I felt like playing with my guitar. So came back to my room and started some random strumming. Nothing new came. Then went through the earlier recorded songs, there are actually too many songs which are not comepleted yet. Some of them have only the first few lines, some of them dont have lyrics. So picked up two songs which I composed last month in this kind of random weekend strumming sessions. Then got bored and frustrated as I didn't have any lyrics. Then tried to read maths, but somehow there were few conversations came in my mind which made me really stiff and frustrated. Smoked a few ciggs which made me more frustrated and tired, played again some random chord, with anger. So I cut my finer. When I was sure that I can't come up with anything new and I should go for a long run, there it was. I got a new tune, good or bad I don't care, I want to thank the tree infront of my balcony which gave me company throughout my stay in padova. Its a two chord song, and mostly influenced by the great two hord songs of rahman "ynuhi chala chal" and " roobaro". Till now the lyrics is not fixed, but sure about the first line of the song. It should be " oh summer tui j amar". When I was recording the parts of the song i found it really great and sweet. But now, when i listen to it I find it not that great. anyway, it happens all the time, after finishing something I need a little detachment from that. The other two songs needed little bit more tuning and lyrics so fixed them too. One is a three chord tune, with G D and C and its more like punk rock the other one is three chord D. A .G , more like cold play style alternative rock. My previous works were mostly influenced by chandrabindoo and belafonte but as I ore listen radiohead and coldplay the more I get influenced. In flunece is not ba d as long as you are not publishing it. I dont believe in publications so I am safe , no one can blame me for plagiarism. These random guitar strumming sessiona reminds me of my days in Ramakrishna mission. Ayantik, dhanne and me one day decided that we will have band of our own. So dhanne said that he can play guitar and sitar, ayantik had nice voice , and had the duty to write the lyrics. The only problem was whol will give the music. My roommate was a great painter , he painted the cover of our first album which never released ( ha ha ha). The week the idea of the band was formed all of us had the duty to make a breakthrough by giving feedback for the first song. I was waiting for others to come up with some tune so that I can write the lyrics. Writing poem or lyrics was not a difficult thing for me, as I wrote hundreds of poems plays and stories. But I was musically challenged. Though I belong to a very very musical family, my grandfather was renowned poet and lyricist, all my cousin sisters are really well trained singer, my father and uncles can sing well, my borther has nice voice too. Every family occassion was a musical fest kind of a thing. Where people praised all the others for having such nice voices and fair skin. I am black (few nicknames given to me by my family members are "kalicharan" and "ghutghut (means darkness)", and for some odd reason I was never encouraged to learn music. Everyone (including my mother) assumed that I will become some sportsman or some engineer. So there was I , hating music and fairness. That's the reason why I never didn't care for composing music for the songs of our band. The week when everyone was busy to compose the music, I devoted my energy to sleep and aimless adda. But on the weekend when I went back to home. I thought about writing the lyrics first so that my friends can find it easy to compose the music. So started writing the lyrics, made many alternatives. Thet time I was with cactus and savage garden. So I thought I will try to fit the lyrics with the rhythm of the songs of cactus and savage garden. I spent the whole saturday helping my mother to do the laundry and coming up with different lines. I sat near the window and sang the lyrics in the tune of different songs. My mother usually thinks I am an insane pervert, so didn't pay any notice. I got a tune. Not completely original but yet a new tune. I never believed ( or never allwoed to believe that ) that I have music inside me. I was happy, as happy as the naked archimedes. I took the tape recorder and an old bhajan casette and recorded the whole thing. My mother asked me about what were I doing, I played the song, she didn't show any reaction . I was pissed off, and kept my casette inside the hidden treasure box thinking that even my friends will have the same emotion for this osng, so it is better to hide this thing from them to save myslef from being hurt. Two weeks passed, there were no progress from my friend side, they were desparate, one of them told me to try to find some tune for the song, so gave them the casette. Ayantik and dhanne liked it, others had the same kind of reaction that my mother showed. Ayantik also figures out the part which sounded like savage garden. I told him about my musical incapability. So thats how it started. I made 6 songs lyrics and tune both. Lyrics were good given my maturity of that time. Some of the tunes though really sucked. I mean if you have only one guitar , no percussion then some of the song will taste like saltless vegetarian dish. The album never released, dhanne was busy with his medical entrance, board exam, ayantik was believed to be spoiled by me and bunked the board exam ( I never saw his face after the boards exam), and I the alleged spoiler and the biggest gainer and the selfish and the .......... made my unique minimum effort way to survive all the other things and made myself elligible to enjoy the scholarship for euroepan holidays, sitting here, briefly living in the past. The name of our band was prabrishik ( which means fruit of rainy season), name of our unreleased first album was swapno nagari te jai ( lets go to the dream world). I named the band. And after that it became my email id, main charecter of one of my scripts. May be I was the only one who dreamt, little did i know that I will carry this dream with me and the work started from that dream will give me another mode of personal entertainment for me. After the band broke up ( we never had a breakthrough ) , I didn't stop composing . My father gifted me a guitar for my abysmal performance in the board exams. Jayant taught me a little about how to spend time with that thing. So I used these small knowledges and came up with few nice songs. Though the influence changed from cactus and anjan dutta to chandrabindoo and belafonte. In second year of CMI, I made the best song of my life. Yes I didn't allow any of my family memebers to know about the song. I sang it for laal, he liked it. He has great voice, and he is totally untrained. Whenever we meet he sings this song , the song is called ai raat ( this night). There are some influences of the antara of pehal nasha, but anyway as I told I am not interested in publishing them. I bought a cheap software to record the tunes in my comp, that way I can remember the tunes which randomly comes without lyrics and patch them together with lyrics to get a new song for me. Telling this things to people has a negative effect also, they will say that I am talented but I am wasting my time and potential. Well, neither I am talented, nor I am intelligent. I dont belive in them, so I am not wasting anything. My way of living life is different. I don't leave anything, I dont have goal either. I just play with everything, take a thought and observe it from different places , in different emotions and then patch them up to get some personal entertainment. The word closesly describing this can be personal philosophical cubism. All the decisions I have taken in my life has some emotions attached to it which i dont bother to describe to anyone, and I stand by those decisions. My work is appreciated by my brother ( who loves everything I do) , some of my close friends, some of the human beings I love. For others I dont want to exist. Someday like everyone I will also disappear but not to go to some other place in this world but to leave this chhote logoki duniya. Till then I will enjoy everything. As I have said
"Ticket leke aya hu, pura film dekhke jawunga".

Achudya !

2008-05-30T02:27:00.000-07:00

There are people who solve problems, there are people who make them, and then there are people who create ideas. One of them is Saurabh bhaiya. This idea achudya is created by him. It means those things which can not be fucked. If you ask him for example, he will give my name. It is correct or not is your duty find out, but the idea of creating this category of achudya is a pathbreaking one.

It is better sometime if you make a habit of not sleeping for a long time. What is the effect of that on my health, is not my concern. Health is the last thing that comes in my mind. What you can do is make your week a three or three and half day week or make your month a fifteen day month. For few months try this thing. It is not necessary to work hard, actually it is better if you don't work but still stay awake for 48 hours. That is a real test of charecter. It will really test how much stable you are. To make thing a litlle bit interesting, you can smoke a lot or eat once in a day. So you are physically weak, your brain needs some fresh blood, your stomach needs food, but still you are forcing yourself to stay awake without doing any real work.

Few things about paad in paadova which people know or which they should know

2008-05-29T11:51:00.000-07:00

Today paad comes back again. Some of my friends always complained that my thoughts are very vulgar and there is nothing great in being vulgar. But what can I do, when I have the pen (in this case the french keyboard), I have the great "responsibility" to be very honest about what I think, specially the vulgar ones. There is nothing great in vulgarity, I accept, but if everyone is a superhero then who will be the common man ? I am this common man (or utuman).

Anyway , i do yoga everyday , specially my favourite two yogas. Sabashan and paban muktashan. Both are very important and practised by almost all the living forms available in this world. So in some sense it is very very universal, one of the greatest gifts of God. So how can I not think about this. Paad are generally of two types, or more precisely they are union of two sets, with possibly empty intersection. Why possibly ? Well , from a great result of some great sage :
"byom paade gondho naade, bhoos paade pran kande", it follows that paad are of two types , byom and bhoos., with empty intersection. But as Dr Pranav told me that there were cases where even byom paad had the perfume of bhoos paad. This is a recent unpublished result. Paad is natural event which can happen even without any reasons. Each second there are millions of people paading, bhoos or byom paad. Even while you are reading this post someone (if not you) very near to you may be enjoying this bliss called paad.
There are lots of poems written on Paad , one of my favourite is the one which my mother taught me once upon a time:
Paade Padonti,
Shnoke bhaggobonti,
je na paader mormo jaane
Saat somudro paar kore bajna aane.

Paad is treated really badly in our society. It doesn't have the kind of status which it deserve. Emerging economies can use the energy in Paad to solve their enerygy related problem. Countries like Bangladesh can use human rockets (following the usual conservation of momentum) and make themself as strong as USA. Or we can use Paad as natural gas, we can get free flavors . Like one day you eat some good chicken vindaloo, next with the stored paad you cook, and the food will have the flavor of chicken vindaloo.

There are few people whose paad are very famous, I am not one of them. I can produce tobacco flavor paad sometime, but thats it.
Elliptic curves are not related to paad, and today we ( including paranav) solved the problems of elliptic curve exam.
Let me remind you again, there is nothing great in vulgarity. Leave this area for me. This is the thing I can do better than anyone.

Elliptic curves goes to school

2008-05-28T11:58:00.000-07:00

Hot and humid, this is the weather when I live. Maths lectures are really boring, specially for the lecturere, when they have students like me sitting in class, yawning and drawing cartoons . Very son I will be there , otherside of the fence, and I have an idea of how to make maths lectures enjoyable for the lecturer himself. Today I attended one lecture. One prof from taiwan was giving the lecture. He brought his wife and his daughter with him. So the lecture was going as any other maths lecture. The prof looked like a robot. Then once in a while his daughter started saying something , the poor kid was bored, i guess, with the dead lecture hall and the dead participant of this heartless process of mathematical lectures. The lecturer turned around and he started smiling. That smile was probably the best smile I have ever seen from a lecturer. I guess he was not this happy in any maths department in his life. I will also bring my kid in my maths lectures , I am sure today. After the lecture he ran towards her daughter. The affection, for the first time gave a bright color to the maths lecture hall. Kid are not that bad afterall.
Today is elliptic curves day. We (by including Pranav) studied elliptic curves from afternoon. Then afternoon lecture was also related to elliptic curves. There is a Japanese prof, Shiga, (who plays piano too) who took the elliptic curve course last month. We saw him thrice (thrice is indian english and i use it all the time) today. If we study a little more about elliptic curves then probably Shiga will come to our room.
Saurabh bhaiya is fully charged up, he will probably do some great work in his phd if not in his masters. He said he will show to haramjadletto everything (assuming that haramjadaletto is not an offside batsman). I don't know how is everyone ? I feel like calling everyone now.

long long day, go away

2008-05-27T12:53:00.000-07:00

I am going to finish the longest day of my life, it lasted for almost 36 hours. It was big wastage of time , energy and wealth. Well as you know from the last blog that I bought two packs of ciagrette last night and a pack of condom, morning I bought 1 pack. So 12 euros for cigarette in one day . Chhi, chhi, dhikkar hai tumpe. Then prepared the lecture notes for todays lecture and met my superviser, who told me to talk about some other topic today afternoon. I just had 2 hours, I did some chutiyapa to costruct all the things of that topic. That jackass always pushes me to the extreme limit. As I was searching for the infos for the rescheduled topic of my lecture in the backyard of the maths building , I found two old poems scribbled somewhere on my notebook. I didn't have the idea that I wrote them. Then I discovered few other scribbled here and there in my notebook. I remember that I developed this habit of scribbling poems on my mathsnote book from CMI. I used to attend lectures properly there. After lunch lectures used to be very boring and that time I was the only one reading them once in a while and changing the structures. All this thoughts came in my mind when I was preparing my lecture notes. Oh, again I felt that examination pressure kind of thing. It is so bad, it kills me. So I was lost in my memories for the rest of the time. When i started lecturing, I didn't feel that there were anyone in the room. I don't even remember what I said. When I was halfway through my lecture one song came in my mind. It was one night in bappas room in kolkata. I was back after the ENS research project drama, preparing to go back to paris again. I wanted to enjoy the summer with my friends as much as possible. So most of the nights I used to sleep in bappas place or joydebs place. We did many things that summer , went to a jyotishi threegether, went to watch the most famous supu dar band nitroengine in art college, attended the camps of breathrough science society in calm villages, went for long run in the morning, smoked like never before, went to many college fests , specially those with fossils.
Anyway that was the time when I saw this ganjawala in my locality. His name is Topa. The great Topa was Naxal in his time, then police picked him , gave him 3 rd fourth fifth degree, he lost his one arm and one leg, his wife ran away with someone else, as a award for dedicated social work he didn't get any job, though he was educated. So he started selling ganja. The whole story is still unknown, this is the bits and pieces which one can extract once in a while from Topa babajibon after lot of maska marowing. I felt nice in his company, I liked his attitude towards life. As if he is vefy angry with eveyone and doesn't want to identify himself with that dirty society. So the whole prelude was for this one song, what a wastage of netspace. One night, it was hot and very humid, bappas parents were sleeping in the other room. We were there, three of us, Laal Bappa and me. I was really pissed off that day, that night I had to stay with my friends just to be alive. We had some joint, Laal was telling us a story of a friend who once smoked ganja in bong and kept his forehead over the bong and burned his forehead. When he ended this story I started singing, the song was: kopalpora , ganja khete khete kopal pora, in R & B style. It went on for ages, then there was the fire of the fag on my stomach, it was burning my stomach, but I didn't have any sensation, I just kept singing for ages. Everyone in the room laughed for hours and that incident became one of the major entertainment for the future. I am really sure that even the kids of Bappa and Laal will one day pull my leg for that incident.
Now comes the two poems. I can't translate them
1.
Amar snajh shokale ki j chai ?
bhulei jai, tomar gondho ?
pratohrashe .. komorbondho ..chepe, monkharap
dhakboi, tobu shorir bhole na
tomar gondho ? sporsho korle shedin jai
amio nyada, thanda lagai mogoje.
thanda kori gorom khun, katay melai tatar noon,
sulfuric acid.
bhalobashar bashi kotha, purushpurush bhab,
tomar sporsher obhab r
kamonake marbo aaji darshonik tyotte,
ai prodhan shorte raji holey-e, bneche thakar
shukhe thakar,
niyom mene jibon japon
apon bapon hostothapon
apon bapon hostothapon.

2.
Shesh cheshta, shesh smritituku thak,
smriti howe jak
amar golpo.
ekpare smriti dake ay ay,
jibone lagai nerolac,
kimba gobor diye nikoi uthon.
roj robbar machh ashbe polybag-a,
rod jagbe bichhanay pash fire, ghader upor
alto kamde.
janlar chokh khule chokchoke rod,
smritir badami gale debe close up chumu.
thnot ta shudhu amar,
batil amar saat shagor r tero nodir paar,
batil shob juddher bajar.
jai morete ekdin shai smriti eshe chhulo haat,
shai mortar, shai smritituku thak.

Lucky Strike , It's Toasted

2008-05-26T20:30:00.000-07:00

I feel like a zombie now. Tried to sleep , but didn't get any. My body and brain is dead tired but somehow it doesn't want rest. Today will be the first talk on projective line minus three points. Rarely I have given a good talk in my life. I always assume those things which I know, as universally known, those thing that makes me interested, as universally interesting. So I screw up often. As this is the compression of a 200 page highly dense paper, I guess there is a real chance that I will bore everyone again. Anyway, it doesn't matter, in this great scheme of objects and incidence if I understand certain things properly then it is good enough.
Last night I went to buy cigarette from the vending machine. It is a bit far from my residence, and the area is really superb. You can find drug dealers selling drugs, police trying to catch homeless people and prostitutes selling their body, if you are lucky like me you can find some old gay trying to seduce you. Anyway I went their, put a 20 euro note inside, pressed the button for marlboro and waited, nothing happened. So I pressed all the buttons. After sometime a packet of condom came out, then a packet of Lucky Strike, some weird cigarette, and then marlboro. I put all the things on my pocket and headed back towards my room. Then I thought , if police catches me now, and finds all those things in my pocket, then what will be a good story connecting all these three things. I thought that I will tell them that its my girlfriends 24 th birthday, so 12 marlboro my brand 12 lucky strilke her brand, we will make cake and put this cigarettes on it. And the condoms will be used as ballons. Well I thought this was funny. But now, as I write it , I find it really boring.
Anyway jiske khudke ghar shishe ke ho woh nanga hoke kapda change nehi kiya karte.

Good morning.

two dreams

2008-05-25T14:05:00.000-07:00

Today so far has been awesome. I got up early, 9-30 is very early for me. Then didn't check my mails or didn't check times of india. Directly went to Ananth bhais home. ate alot, really a lot. Some great dosas ( probably it was not dosa), vegetable curry , daal (awesome), good chicken (little bit salty). My stomach was never stretched before this much. So had to take a small nap in his place. I saw their marriage photos. Felt like going back to India today. Then came back, it was hot, little bit humid, so walking was really great. Then I slept again. What a great time. Don't know how much I slept but it was the deepest sleep I have had for last few years. First let me thank Charles Bukowski for giving a god start for my day , I just read few pages of his book this morning when I was shitting. Apart from the "Chak de" poster in my shitroom, this also helped me to have a mindblowing shit : It goes like this

" What's wrong with assholes, baby ? you have got an asshole, i have got an asshole ! you go to the store and buy a porterhouse steak, that had an asshole ! assholes cover the earth ! in a way trees have assholes but you can't find them, they just drop their leaves . your asshole , my asshole, the world is full of billions of assholes. The president has an asshole, the car wash boy has an asshole, the judge and the murderer have assholes........"

Now lets revisit my dreams. I dont know how will you find these two dreams, but i really loved them. Even now, when i can only recollect very few parts of it, i love it. I have a good dream machine behind my eyelids. I have even seen pre released version of one hollywood movie (with simple modifications) once. That was dawn of the deads ( or resident evil). This time no piracy. This two dreams are really original.

First one, as usual is a very soft and bright one. I don't know how it started, just remember bits and pieces from here and there. There was play in that dream. Lots of people came to watch that play, even I saw myslef for the first time in any of my good dreams. Though I was not inside the hall, I was searching for cigarettes very badly. Anyway, the stage was reasonably dark with patches of lights here and there. There were few people standing there, making a shape of two intersecting lines whose opening part was towards the audience. There was a disturbing chutiya in the audience, cant remember his face , but he was talking too much. Anyway all the people on the stage were standing as if they were hanging from a pin. On the left side of the stage, there were three people , standng together to make a box like shape with top and one side open. You can see the face of two of them, but not the person standing on the back. There was a guy, still like an animal, on his four legs. he was on the right side of that human box, he was facing the audience, then there was guy sitting like chair just behind the four legged guy, facing the audience. on the left side of this there were three guys just standing facing the audience. Anyway , there was sound of some keys, and the play starts, as a girl entered the stage . She came from the back side of one of the guys on the left, that guy moved like a door and the girl moved that guy after entering the room as if she is closing the door. That guy made thud like sound to confirm that he is door. All the guys on the stage has a name, I dont remember all of the names, just one. The guy on the back of the human box was bakaruddin. Anyway she entered , and all the guys in the room bent towards her, as if trying to bow but not flexible enough to go all the way. The whole set looked like Ray Richardsons hang on to the world, the only difference is everything was bending outwards in hand on to the world but in this case everything is bending towards her. Anyway she said sorry to the door for slamming it little bit hard, the door replied something which i dont remember. It was clear that she came back from some tiring job. After some time it was clear what was all those guys doing there. There was this main entrance door, then the guy on his four was a table, the guy stting like a chair was a chair. The human box was a cupboard, the guy standing between the door and the table was telephone and the leftmost guy was the door of bathroom. The play was funny for most of the time, everyone was laughing. There were many funny comments (which i dont remember) made by the toilet door , the table . The lid of the cupboard was opening by itself once in while , to scare her. That portion looked funny that time. But somehow there was a thin shade of sadness, created by the lights . The backside of the cupboard talked a lot, most of the time nonsense. Then there was postman who came in through the door with a guy . The guy had his head covered. And she removed the cover of his head. The guy was letter or something like that. And he started reading himself. She was litlle bt sad after that. Then she went to bathroom. She came out, everyne on the stage started whitsling. The backside of the cupboard said that he is the most unlucky person in this world, as he can not see her and face the wall all his life and show his sadness by creating a dampness on the wall. This part was little bit clear but as i write this i forget many things rapidly. Then there was phone call, she talked with someone , the telephone guy spoke in women voice. She was very happy. She started packing things and during this time all the guys were singing dancing, telling stories to her to stop her from going away from them. Every attempt was failure, then the backside of the cupboard came up with the idea that if something breaks in this room she had to fix the thing and only then she can leave. This will make her stay a little more. So the backside of the cupboard broke himself. Then there was all this drama going on, all this guys trying to convince her that she has to stay a little more to fix the cupboard, she argued for a long time, but she was determined to go. So after some incidences of failed prayers ( dont remember this part now) she convinced everyone that this is going to be the last night of her in this room, after that she had to go somewhere. Everyne understood, she went to bed , everyone started singing lullaby. The play ended.

The second dream i really dont remember properly now, i have to think hard to recollect it. Hence for the time being be happy with this one only. The copyright of this play belongs to me. There are few influences though . The lights and structre of the stage is probably the influnece of Ray Richardson. The first thing I see every morning is his hang on to the world. The idea of human props completely belongs to my dream, though the naming of the objects is most probably the influence of Smruti.

Silence

2008-05-24T14:14:00.000-07:00

It is a really bad end of a good week. Nothing new learned, nothing new loved. My problem is I talk too much, and I listen to everyone. So when I am happy about whatever shit is happening in my life , there will be people pointing at me the worthlessness of my life. Yes, I grew up knowing how I made a huge waste of my life and potential. Lately I was tagged as a lazy guy, someone questioned my dedication, someone questioned my honesty. Everyone assumed what they wanted to assume, everyone did what they wanted to do. I will not say anything. Let the life be happy with all its shortcomings, let the life be happy without telling her story to this world, let the world be happy with silence.

Crystalline cohomology and Spider Man 2

2008-05-23T15:18:00.000-07:00

So far so good. Each day if I understand few statements properly then I am happy. Todays gain, crystalline cohomology. There is an exposition sort of article by Luc Illusie, one of the bourbakis (or burbak), on this really interesting cohomology theory. The main theory was thought by Grothendieck and developed by P. Berthelot (whose name of adviser is unknown as far as mathematics genealogy project is concerned ). There is a nice letter of Grothendieck to J .Tate (the starting looked really gayish to me , "cher"), describing his idea of crystals and rigidity properties of this new cohomology theory.

The main idea is the following , in char 0 , we can see that d(x^p) = p.x^(p-1)dx. But in char p we get d(x^p) = 0. So on one hand we can integrate p.a^(p-1) and get back x^p in char 0,but that is not true for char p. The problem is precisely in char p we can not integrate x^(p-1) which in principle should happen to show the de rham complex is exact (remember the classical poincare lemma !). But we need to know some sort of de rham cohomology for the case of char p, since in most of the cases this turns out to be the strongest cohomology theory we ever had, as it has good properties of all the other cohomologies plus it has a mixed hodge structure (which roughly means that you cut the cohomology groups in each dimension and concentrate on something really nice). What can be a better way out ? One thing can be that given a variety X char p and f : X -> Y proper map where Y is smooth over some good ring ( in this case ring of witt vectors) we can get some cohomology theory which conincides with the de rham cohomology of Y, but then there should be some uniqueness propety related to this cohomology theory ( that is the cohomology groups are independent of the map f). So firstly we need to fix the problem of integration. Here comes Grothendiecks simple but really special observation. In char 0 , observer that if f_n(x) = x^n / n ! , then integration of f_n gives f_(n+1) and differentiation of f_(n+1) gives f_n, so bingo , this is the property which presicely gives what we need. In classical case we don't integrate over whole surface , but over some closed set, so in this case we have to get the idea of integration on some closed set. Closed sets comes from some ideal, so we have to get some ideals where we can define fuctions like f_n. Now we take the ring W(k). Why ? Well this is the special and simplest example of rings (where char k = p and k is perfect) which has an ideal where we can integrate canonically (this witt vectors has many great properties, check them out). If $k$^is $F_p$ then we have W(k) as the ring of p-adic integers. So roughly speaking what we do is for any variety X, we take all the sheaf of ideals where we can integrate, we can take all these ideals and take the schemes defined by it, this forms a Site, we can take the structure sheaf associated to this ideals, and define a sheaf on this site and calculate the cohomology. Yes for most of our cases this cohomology theory is "The theory" we were looking for. Moral of the story, ideas are always simple, and it doesnt take a genius to uncover it. You have to make your question clear ans most often the answer will be the direct consequence of the question, or if i rephrase it, if your question is really clear, then as Saurabh bhaiya says a simple Bihari arguement (Q :why ?, A : Why not.) will give you the answer.

Spider Man 2 is shit. I watched it again. Even after the second attempt I can not like it. I liked the first part, no the action scenes are not breathtaking in any of the spider man movie, but Peter Parker, not the spider man which is more lovable in this whole series. First of all, spider man is the most popular superhero till date, if its not true may lightning strike me. Reasons are very simple, he is not from any other planet, he does not want revenge or anything, his fights and weapons are simple, he can not fly, and in real life he is a simple young man, who, given an option, will always love to live an unknown life of a simple man, he falls in love, he falls from rooftop, he runs away from his flat owner, runs away from everything to find out that there are no way outs. Somehow it reminds me one of my favourite poem by Joy Goswami called Meghnad. Pardon me for the english translation, but the first few lines goes as follows

No one is fighting behind the clouds, all nonsense,
No one is winning Indra, nonsense,
everyone is grazing, chin down, in kolkata,
all ratnakar is roaming around to feed their family.

In the middle of this you can find few weak balmikis,
didn't have the courage to fight in daylight ,
there are no lights around the head of the brave,
see, there goes meghnad, hanging from the bus, Gautam Haldar.

On stage, he is a different person,
different charisma,
but everyday hanging from the bus, but every day coming back from the office,
stampling , sitting, getting up, satisfying boss,
dont we fight this stubborn war every day on the cloud top ?

Anyway Joy Goswami had his unique way of creating layer of motifs linguistically, and as english is a foreign language for me, I can not do justice to that in english. So Peter Parker is somehow this kind of a person, may be spider man is not true even in the story. May be all the things are his dream, what he want to do, how he wants to protest ? When he talks with the doctor about his dream problem i just thought may be this is the dream of all the common men. We want to be superheroes, not for only popularity but to protest against what we dont like, but we are weak, we want a normal life to. Reality and dream gets separated by our eyelid. Just a thin skin dividng two contrasting yet related world. We love our normal life, the people associated with it, so in real life we just compromise for some stability, not for us, but for all the people who define our existence. We fight with our dream of becoming a superhuman, we fight our urge to protest just to protect our near and dear ones from any trouble. So after a day full of fighting with our natural instincts, swallowing plethora of insults we give a good night kiss to our near ones, and close our eye lids, draped in our night dress and blankets, we roam around all over the world, alone, to do the job of a superhero.
As joy goswami said
"Meghnad is not alone, don't you, or that guy or me
every day fight an unequal war to find food ?
No laxman has born to kill us."
Before ending this tale of superheroes, I want to tell you an incidence in Paris. It was like every other midnight in Paris. I was as usual drunk, hungry and watching outside the trees that looked barely alive. I thought what if tonight I become a superhero like spider man or something ( i have a superhero name too, UTUMAN), and jump around . Watch all the windows and balconies of this old dead city, all the people standing their. Some of them sad, some of them trying to be happy, but everyone alone. I wrote a poem. I find this as one of the best poems I have ever written. So it is for you now
Sohortar naam hote parto everest :

ordhek thutur moto j alo chnader mukh theke berochchhe,
tate unchu unchu shikhor gulo besh bhije bhije lagchhe,
chokhe him-o pore thakte pare.
adorer time bomb fatbe ki fatbe na tar opekkhay oneke niche boshe agun shamlachchhe.
onek upor gulote hawa eshe gaye perek thukchhe
keu keu, eka eka balconytey nijer ekakityo key joy korchhe.
sohorta besh purono diner notun kotha bole
sohortar naam hote parto everest.

Postcoital tristesse

2008-05-22T08:53:00.000-07:00

As I read more and more about this Delignes article I start thinking about the time when I will completely understand this beauty. Isnt it sad that after the end I will move on to some other problem, just taking the ideas from this relationship, to apply in some other cases. Yes she is beautiful. Not the most beautiful thing I met this year, but she is so beautiful that everytime I try to understand her, I face a massive challenge. So I have to change my position, change my approach, but not for a single moment she allows me to take my attention away from her. She plays silly tricks by suddenly closing all the windows and not letting me to understand her. Then there lots of cigarette gets lit, the grand worship of this beauty begins. And as usual after few hour of maska marowing, there is a ray of light, some different angle of looking at it. Now I have a general outline of how she thinks and how she looks. It took long time to make this outline. For the sake of mathophiles this is the outline :
She is like something we know already, or we think we know already, obviously we know what are the fundamental groups of projective line minus three points in algebraic and topological cases. But then she is not what she looks like. She is still out of our reach of understanding and I will be really happy if she remains like that forever. What Delign starts thinking that like the unification of cohomology theories ( motives) , can we see the different fundemental groups related to some motive. So for that he first unifies all the cohomology theory in a naive way, called system of realisation. Then in this category of system of realisation we can define fundamental group as this category is a Tanakian category. Then he gives description of the motivic fundamental group and then the motivic fundamental group associated with projective line minus three points turns out to be the iterated extensions of the Tate motive Q(n). If the ultimate aim of this study is not exciting enough then one should know the things that we get when we are following this path. There are algebraic connections, algebraic monodromy and foliation floating around, then for Tate motives you will get a beautiful Zeta function, many number theoritic properties gets identified with differential geometry. I haven't understood most of the things yet. But still going good. The opening of the paper gives me a lot of pleasure, where Delign writes that much of good things related to projective line minus three points are still undiscovered. That is very unwestern, where they always claim of comeplete knowledge of things , and on basis of those propagandas they classify objects as if this world and all the objects here are their baap ka jaigir. Hope to finish the Paper tonight, but feeling sad to leave it.

just wanted to thank few people

2008-05-21T16:28:00.000-07:00

It is almost 1:30 now, tried to read Deligns P^1 moins trois point. Can not penetrate after a certain limit. The language reminded me my time in Paris. French , french oh dear french. Anyway in this case the language does not matter, either I am overworked or did not work that hard to understand the paper. It makes me depressed when I can not understand something after sufficient amount of trials. Sufficient is defined loaclly, ha ha ha. Well, good news is that I am studying. When I came to Padova I was almost certain of some disaster. I used to think that either I would contract to some two dimensional space or I will leave mathematics and the emptyness created by that will force me to leave all the other things, or may be I will take up Jayants favourite profession wood cutting, or just increase my sleeping time to 24 hours per day. But none of that happened. I met exactly two people, one helped me to avoid the certain self destruction looming infront of me that time, another one helped me to start loving myself and the small things around me. One never misses a single chance to give me gali and gyan. Another one never misses a single chance to make me smile and energetic. I can easily calculate the number of hours I spend with maths in Paris and the first few months in Padova. Yes I survived the exam system, but that is not a big deal. I know how to play with the system without knowing anything. I should have joined management , hu ha ha . I have surely studied more than that in only this week. I like to talk about myself these days. How sexy I am, or how intelligent I can be, given sufficient motivation. I still remember the day when I left CMI. Yes, that was another difficult time, but I was motivated. Studied the whole summer before coming to Paris. Algebraic topology, representation theory, Weil correspondence, Srijats poems, Herbert. And then Paris took everything out of me. I never thought that can happen with me. I took a strong decision that time, of not running away or not killing myself. But sometime just the effort of survival in a hostile condition takes up all your energy, only things left were bottles of wine, your almost two dimensional bloodless body, and computer full of porn (hu hu ha ha ha). Last summer I went to many places in India, but still did not find any motivation. My home looked like a place where I never belonged, all my relatives looked so different, my grown up friends had different lingo, different set of jokes with which I can not identify anymore, they had different set of friends whom i did not know . As if I am a guest artist in a big comedy, who does not even have the chance to do a cameo. As if everyone was following the denial of my independent right of existence. Somehow I managed to spend the summer there, alive. That darkness was one kind of its own. Just imagine you are walking through a long dark tunnel forever, the more you walk the darker it becomes, you completely forget what a bright sunshine is. That was me, leaving from Kolkata with my bagpack on my back, with a virul fever and gland infection. First few months were not worse, but somehow the great inertia of slipping towards darkness never allowed me to come back. But then this two people helped me. This two buggers will be very sad later to help me survive properly. As the world will blame them for their sin. Till then
just thanks to them, dil se.

few desi movies which i liked

2008-05-21T03:21:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to share the few great movies I have seen and which you might have missed.

1. Herbert : Yes, without any doubt, it is the best movie I have ever seen. The music , the surreal opening, the seesaw story telling, the dreamy locations of north calcutta, and offcourse all the actors. Hats off to Nabarun Bhattacharya for writing such an exceptional novel and hats off to Suman Mukherjee for his exceptional directorial debut. I saw this movie with my parents, and as usual before the movie I was pissed off. But the scene changed comepletely, I was the happiest person after the movie was over and they were embarrassed.

2. Bari theke Paliye : Ritwik Ghataks jump cuts, his desi movie making style , his musical sense and above all his scripts makes me hungry for more of his movies. I like the song "ami onek ghuriya sheshe ailam re kolkatta". Ritwik breaks his style of melodrama (which i like in his other movies)and adds a layer of subjectivity in this movie. He narrates the heartless calcutta from an outsiders point of view.

3. Calcutta 71 : CALCUTTA 71 is an indictment against violence and corruption throughout the ages. The film was directed by Mrinal Sen. CALCUTTA 71 is based on four short stories by writers of repute, each different from the other but all connected or interlinked to bring out a powerful statement. A searing study of the political turmoil of the seventies, CALCUTTA 71 is very harsh in documenting the agony of calcuttans. It had moments of high intensity rarely reached in Indian cinema. Sen had been collecting raw footage for this film since 1966. He did this for about five years or so. The film was released in 1972. The film dealt with Naxalism. Giving a subtle hint that the glorious sacrifices of those young students of late sixties and early seventies will be completely forgotten and we will turn out to be a coward race . Welcome to the reality cinema.

4. Gupi Gayen Bagha Bayen: It is the fairy tale which I always wanted to think about. Good kings, Good human beings, Bad ministers, war, songs, ghost dance, so Indian yet so universal.

5. Swas : The short story perfectly told accompanied by great performances. The locations of Konkan were probably the most beautiful place I have ever seen. Go to Konkan in the rainy season, you will thank me for this advise.

6. Black Friday and No Smoking : If first one tremendously realistic then the second one freaking surreal. Anurag Kashyap Is the genius of world cinema. He writes the best scripts. Then you will have the best background score, the best set of actors and the intense fight of light and shades with random camera movement. While in black friday his camera was slow moving most of the time except the chasing scenes, totally shot as a dark documentary, No smoking never follows the traditional angles and speed. His camera sleeps, then suddenly starts running, sometime only follows the main protagonist making the background look dead.

7. 3 Deewarein : Welcome to the world of Nagesh Kukunoor. He is probably the greatest story teller of modern desi cinema. He is like the matured Tnedulkar as far as story telling is concerned. A real winner with Naseer bhai doing magic again in this movie and Juhi Chawla with all her sweetness and beauty, this film never gives you the chance to predict what is going to happen. The minimalist approach Nagesh takes when it comes to technical aspects of the movie impresses me a lot. He knows what he can do best.

8 . Taare Zameen per : Only the first half. It is like some Mohsen Makhmalbaf movie, or some Italian noerealist artist creating images as the story makes its way being part of this continous image display. Second half is bullshit.

9 . Black : Sanjay L Bhnasali with his Ritwik Ghatak style melodrama always creates different images . His protagonists are loud, crying hard, and technically this man knows how to play with colors.

Taslima wants to come back

2008-05-19T12:09:00.000-07:00

She wants to come back , and she will, whether the pseudo secular Indian government finds it bad, or the shit head mullahs find it alarming or the chaddiwalahs find it great. She will return to her homeland. Let us fix first the statement that Taslimas homeland is India. Yes she was born and raised in Bangladesh but that was her time of horror. Her story can be easily the story of any indian girl,there are infinite such cases as the sex ratio gets screwed up in our very own cow land. Coupled with religion ( all the religions), subcontinent has the first position in crimes against woman. We, the Indians are infact sometime leading in statistics. Anyway, she left Bangladesh, as the current Bangladesh is a shit land. The shonar Bangla is not there anymore, the idealism behind Bangladesh, the sacrifices of all the martyrs of Bhasha andolon is completely forgotten. Now the mullahs rock. It is on the verge of becoming a Taliban state, same like Rajasthan, in some sense. I need to write hundred blogs about the extremist in Rajasthan and the fake glory of rajputs. But that is for another time. She came to kolkata, kolkata gave her refuge , since the communist government decided that whatever she wrote was not yet beyond the boundary of government defined freedom of speech. She wrote, literally those were not great piece of work. But that is not the point. There are all these bollywood filmi lyricist, writing intensely vulgar bullshit. They exist , so she, the person fighting for the rights of the most supressed part of indian subcontinent should exist. As she speaks one of the Indian languages, as she respects the inherent indian system of change and multi ethnicity, as she feels more for India than any other Indian, she is desi and not any bangladeshi. Her book, "Amar meybela", was full of explicit description of sexual abuses she faced. The so called intellectuals, specially marxist intellectuals did not like it as a piece of literature. In marxism, like any other religion, day is when the party says it is day. Anyway the paties decision to tolerate this heretic from the other side of the border was fully followed, and she was awarded , re-awarded, was made president of women related things. But suddenly the honeymoon finished. Suddenly, Mr Stalin Bhattacharya thought it is enough, she is hurting the sentiments of the minority. They will accept freedom of speech, but when it hurts some community they can not accept that. Indian political system, and the great old previous genration of Indians are really used to contradiction. They screwed up the nation and the life of ours
with their contradicting point of views. If hurting freedom of speech should stop speech , then why not Satipratha still there. When Raja Rammohan roy said against satipratha , the whole hindu brahmin bustard community were hurt, or when Vidyasagar wrote about widow marriage most of the people were against him , when Gandhi touched Harijans 1000 year old sentiments were hurt, when Bhagat Singh said Inquilab Zindabad the biggest empires sentiment was hurt, and the list goes on.....

Every person has the right to hurt others emotion, hurting whatever is old is the first step to creativity. The kind of stance taken by Indian government for freedom of speech is a stance of coward. You allow others to have freedom of speech as long as it doesn't hurt you and when it hurts you, you will kick the person out, is not the definition of freedom speech, it is not the definition of freedom, it is just the license to roam inside a cage.
Then there are all these chaddiwalahs who think freedom of speech is a western concept and we should not have it , and we should make a nation with hindu shariyat rule, where the god will have 19 hands and the prophet is a monkey with head like elephant. I have only one thing to tell them, there are still enough cages and enough trees in India, like phirangis we haven't destroyed our nature yet. Why not we promote our people to go back to those cages, be naked all the time, start hunting with stone weapons and grow tails. After 1000 years of stillness, atlast India is showing her true power. All her dreams are atlast looking achievable. And then this massive population of creatures of middle age are constantly trying to destroy this golden run. This is the time to fight for our real independence. Independence from all the prejuidiced, corrupt, coward, lazy Indians. As they dont fit in this dream land. Let drive out this haramkhor mullahs, chaddiwalahs, father teresas, fair and lovely
people out from India. Let our new slogan be "Haramkhoro Bharat chhoro". This is our last option, if we fail, we will be dead as a race, if we win, world will salute our queen India. Long live the queen.
Vande Mataram

this week, so far : "maths, ganja, puke, romance, tears "

2008-05-15T07:24:00.000-07:00

I cried late night, whole night, for almost no reasons. Almost because it is not true that there was zero reasons. In fact I felt sad and angry for everything. I cursed God, as usual. This is a really good trick, specially when you are sad, dead tired because of the hangover from last night, and feel like doing nothing other than watching porn, then curse god. I saw Tare Zameen per again. I can associate my experiences with most of the first part of Tare Zameen per. Through my brother and to some extent through my exeperience, I recollected all those scenes from my childhood. Whenever I see TZP I feel that AK had the capability to make it as good as one of my favourite movie Herbert. But he is greedy, greedy to put his face in his movie. So what can I do , gaand marao lajjahin.
Ganja is great. Specially when you are single, multiple heart broken, married to your right hand (resp. left hand), living in a dirty room in a dirty continent, doing mathematics, want some well deserved detachment from others world. I got it tuesday night. It was hard, after seven and half months I had the thing which can be easily called the poison of my life. I remembered last summer. Everyweek, almost twice or thrice I used to smoke joint and then just sat on the rooftop, tried to steal some breeze. "Anyway smoke ganja once in a while" can be a really good lesson for this week. But , attention. Don't drink too much before smoking some hard joint. You will obviously throw up as Srushti has done in his consecutive two birthdays. I puked a lot in CMI. But the problem with me is that I dont remember the pain of throwing up.
My grandmother said once that every guy in my family is childishly romantic. I don't know what that means, or whether she was cursing my grandfather for not being practical in his whole life, but what I feel that, even without being in relationship with any girl in my life, I always feel that I am in love. It is good thing, since it helps me to sleep properly, with multiple shows of dreams. Bad thing is that I am the only person who knows that I am in love. I have met thousands of girls, and few women in my life. Some of them liked me as a time pass, most of them liked me because liking is a formality in our time, some of them cursed me , some of them made me their brother ( i hate them, chutiya bananeke liye aur koi nehi mila kya), some of them slept with someone else and moaned loudly when they were copulating just to make sure the sound reaches me, some of them forgot my name ( I have a really nice name), but thats it , loving is the activity which they did with others. Today morning when I got up , it was morning, and I was still alive. This is the kind of thing that I am loving now. Zero expectation life. Where just being alive is the only criteria.
Now comes maths. Lately I was working on my masters thesis. As usual reading Voevodsky's paper is like masturbating with your legs. I do like his results , but his proofs are shit, they stink if they exist. So I was trying to prove some of the results by myself. And bingo, I proved one result completely, which classifies the Nisnevich sheaves using Nisnevich cartesian squares. The lovely part is that it uses a corollary, whose proof I didn't understand. So I was trying to prove it by myself, and came up with a stronger result, and believe me or not, the result came directly from commutative algebra. I felt young again, I can still do commutative algebra. Probably I should concentrate on solving small problems. Big problems dont like me. But then who cares, I have one life, no expectations, death and life are homotopically equivalent, so lets try everything, from Riemann Hypothesis to some small commutative algebra problem.